Fan fiction: Dr Who/Shortland St

Dr Jones was reading a big book on how to take over the hospital when her next patient came in. She lowered the tome to see her arch-nemesis- Dr Who. “You’ve found me!” she gasped. “Easy! The TARDIS locked onto a trail of one night stands scattered throughout the universe,” he said. “It took me through twenty different centuries and where do I find you? 21st century Earth. My favourite century. Don’t know about West Auckland, though. Could have done so much better, well-qualified Time Lord like you…” “Shut up and get away from me!” shouted Justine. “You’ll never find out where I installed the Entropy Distributor… ha ha ha!” “I’ll give you one chance to tell me Justine,” said the Dr, “and then you’re toast. Hmm, what would happen if I did this I wonder?” he asked michievously, applying his sonic screwdriver to a gas cylinder. “Get away from it!” shouted Justine, grabbing her sonic stethoscope and pointing the end of it menacingly at the Dr. Unfortunately, it was switched on, and sonic vibrations coming from it caused a small gas explosion. The Dr was thrown from the room. Justine collapsed in a heap. It took a few minutes for the gas to clear. The Dr came back into the room and turned Justine over. She had a different face- she had regenerated. Suddenly he heard voices in the corridor outside. He got in the TARDIS and dematerialised.

The Dr bustled about the controls, preparing to rematerialise outside the hospital. He had to find out where Justine had put the Entropy Distributor. This time he was going to make sure she was finished once and for all, before her string of affairs caused the entire space/time continuum to unravel, and because, well, he didn’t really like her.

Meanwhile, Alice was fed up to high heaven with her flatmate and his new girlfriend. Everywhere she turned, they were making out. Enough was enough. “If you don’t leave, I will! Something has to give!” she said to TK. “Chill out, Alice,” he said. “Suits me fine if she leaves,” said Sarah. “You don’t have any say in this,” barked Alice. “You don’t even live here.” “Well I have to put up with you prancing about in a towel in front of my boyfriend all the time, and that Sharon Stone thing you do when you’re in your bathrobe. Don’t just make threats Alice, just go if you can’t hack it that I’m with Craig and you’re not.” TK and Alice looked shocked. “Actually, I’m the one with Craig, well once anyway, and last time I looked you were with TK,” Alice said. “Oh my God I can’t believe I just said that,” said Sarah. “Never mind, lets go and make mad passionate love in a phone booth,” suggested TK, bright with the suggestion. “Okay,” said Sarah. “Maybe by the time we get back Alice will have packed her bags and left.” “You should be so lucky,” said Alice as Sarah and TK left, “you bloody psycho slag.”

The Dr had materialised and was pondering whether to wear the grey coat or the blue coat when a couple of Earthlings came crashing through the doors, pawing at each other crazily. “What the-” “What?” “Who are you?” “Where is this place?” “Hey, it’s bigger on the inside,” TK offered. “Did Justine send you?” asked the Dr urgently. “Is this a trap?” Casting a disapproving eye over the couple, he told them, “It’s just the kind of tacky way she’d go about it.” “Justine?” Sarah asked. “We’re just looking for somewhere to make out. Where is this place? Is this one of Callum’s promotions or something?” The Dr quickly operated the controls. “I’ve just materialised in the heart of a big bang.” “That’s how I felt first time I saw her,” TK said, looking lovingly into Sarah’s eyes. “Oh, yuck, I wasn’t talking about her,” said the Dr. “I mean, the TARDIS has materialised inside a sun which is about to explode. Now unless you tell me where Justine has hid the Entropy, ahh, thing, I’ll open the doors.” “Don’t be ridiculous,” laughed Sarah, thinking she had obviously been so passionately wrapped around the end of TK’s tongue that they had gone through the doors of the neighbouring lunatic asylum instead of into the phone box they’d seen outside Shortland Street. “Great reception area by the way,” she said casting her eye around the TARDIS control room. “I mean it. Do you want me to open the doors?” “No!” shouted Sarah despite herself. “Good. Now where did Justine hide the whatchamacallit Distributor?” “I don’t know,” said Sarah. “Can we get back to our snogging now?” “Come here,” TK said, fired up by the strange situation. He grabbed Sarah and sat her on the control panel, and started kissing her. “Look out- here we go! Sorry!” Sarah said to the Dr. “Now come here you,” she said to TK. “Nooo!!!” shouted the Dr, as the repulsive couple reclined on the control panel, forcing the doors control to operate. They would all be sucked into the heart of the sun…

Justine picked herself up off the desk. A cold cup of coffee was in front of her, left there by Yvonne no doubt. Just as well she hadn’t seen her face. How was Justine going to explain her regeneration? Oh well, the hospital staff were so stupid they probably wouldn’t notice the difference, she mused to herself. Stick on a bad wig and everything will be fine. Still, she felt about 500 years older. Limping across to a mirror, she caught sight of her new face and let out an unearthly scream. The mirror shattered. “I look terrible!” “Is everything okay?” asked a concerned Tania, her head poking around the corner of the door. “Yes, yes, everything is fine.” Tania looked worriedly at the broken mirror. Justine could see her from the corner of her eye. “The- ahh- mirror fell off the wall and I screamed. I’ll clean it up.” “Okay,” said Tania, leaving the room. Weird, thought Tania, the broken mirror was still on the wall. And the scream had come before the sound of breaking glass. She put her concerns aside to focus on the drug round. Inside the exam room, Justine held her new face in her hands and sobbed. Her last body had been pretty hot, she thought. Now she felt like a grandmother. What was that creaking in her bones? Osteoperosis? Pull yourself together, biarch. She had to take the Entropy Distributor off the roof of the hospital and hide it where the Dr would never find it. Pity it would be too heavy for her to move now. She would have to materialise her TARDIS around it. And then what would she do with it? It had to stay on Earth, somewhere local. West Auckland was the perfect source of degenerative energy to bring about the collapse of the universe- all it needed was a push in the right direction. But the Dr would be all over Ferndale looking for the Distributor. Aha! Dr Jones had a bright idea.

“Well, I guess I’m back on the market,” said Sarah ruefully, as the Dr shut the scanner off. TK had been sucked into the heart of the star. Sarah’s blouse had become stuck on the control panel, which saved her life. The Dr had created a forcefield in front of him with his sonic screwdriver, preventing his own death. “You must never, EVER, do THAT on the control panel. NEVER!” The Dr chastised Sarah severely. “I’m sorry,” said Sarah. “I’m sorry about your friend,” said the Dr compassionately. “He was nothing,” said Sarah, mind on other men. “I didn’t really love him. I love someone else,” she said wistfully, kind of glad that TK wasn’t an obstacle now. “And I thought Justine was evil,” said the Dr. “Justine Jones?” Sarah asked. “Yes, that’s who I’m chasing. I’m the Dr by the way.” “Oh, another Dr chasing Justine Jones. Well, line up after Chris Warner.” The Dr had to think why that name sounded familiar. Longest-running character ever on an Earth produced soap opera? Or was that Ken Barlow? “My name is Sarah,” said Sarah, weighing up the pros and cons of immediately getting over Craig and throwing herself at this mysterious new person in her life. “Sarah? Sarah? Don’t like it. Been there, done that,” said the Dr, crushing Sarah’s new hopes and dreams in their infancy. “Well! I’ll just go and jump into the nearest black hole then,” Sarah retorted cynically. Despite the freshness of TK’s recent death, the pair realised they had a common bond- their sense of humour- and together they had a good laugh.

Justine’s TARDIS materialised on Shortland Street’s roof, surrounding the Entropy Distributor, which was cunningly disguised as a television antenna. Justine’s TARDIS was disguised as a medicine trolley. Kind of difficult to get in and out of, especially now she needed a walking frame. Might need to rethink the design, she thought. Justine operated the controls and prepared to dematerialise. Just at that moment, through the top of the trolley came Alice. “What the frigging hell is a medicine trolley doing up here- Christ on a Cross, it’s bigger on the… who are you? What are you doing with Shortland Street’s property?” “Who am I, Alice?” cackled Justine evilly, “Why, I’m Justine Jones… and you’re in Wonderland!” she said, cranking the controls and dematerialising the TARDIS.

“Hmm, Justine’s TARDIS is no longer in West Auckland,” the Dr said, looking over the TARDIS controls. “But she has to be here for the Entropy thingameywhatsit to work properly.” They were parked on the hospital roof. “Tell me everything you know about Justine Jones.” The Dr was pacing the control room. “Well, she’s a Dr. She’s tall. She’s a tart. She has a husband… I think,” Sarah told him. “Husband?” asked the Dr. “Yes, Callum.” “He’s an alien,” said the Dr. “I thought he was a bit weird,” said Sarah. “So Justine’s not human either?” “No,” said the Dr. “That makes sense. She’s so ruthless. You don’t suppose she can travel through time, do you?” The Dr was impressed. “Doing well, Sarah!” he said, smiling broadly. “How did you figure that out?” he asked suspiciously. “Well,” said Sarah, “she always has these knick knacks from Westfield, and I know they sold out weeks ago. Sometimes even one or two years ago.” “What’s strange about that?” asked the Dr. “She has these things, I know they’re not available, at least they haven’t been available for a couple of years, but she says she just bought them.” “Hmm,” mused the Dr, “maybe she’s just lying?” “But that’s not all. She asks me what I think of things that patients are wearing- cheap bling basically. I say if I like it or not. If I say it’s all right, she’s wearing it the next day. But I know it hasn’t been available for years…” “That’s it, Sarah!” the Dr shouted with excitement. “She goes back in time, to Westfield sales, buys what she thinks is cool, comes back and the next day she’s wearing it. So, where’s she gone now?” the Dr asked. “I don’t know,” said Sarah, “I don’t even know where I am.” “Think!” said the Dr. “She’s taken her TARDIS back in time with the Entropy Distributor on board. Did she seriously think I wouldn’t think of that? Must be losing her touch. Maybe it’s her regeneration,” the Dr said, operating the TARDIS controls. “Yeah,” said Sarah. “I think it’s time I went home now,” she said, thinking that for the first time in her life she would welcome the sight of Alice. But how would she explain TK’s death? “When you step out those doors,” the Dr told Sarah, “you’ll be on the roof of Shortland Street.” “Yeah,” said Sarah, feeling weak at the knees over the space travel, and the way the Dr was looking at her. “In 2006.” “What?” “We’ve travelled back in time,” said the Dr, “to 2006.”

Justine climbed out of the TARDIS with Alice at gunpoint. Alice was carrying the Entropy Distributor. “Just set it up over there,” Justine rasped, coughing up a furball. She was going to have to do something about her hair, she thought. “You know what?” asked Alice confrontationally. “What,” spat Justine, in no mood for the nurse’s games. “You’re a huckery mole, Justine.” Justine gasped. “Don’t say that!” she said, sensitive about her new regeneration. Tears rolled down her cheeks. Alice was overcome with guilt. “I’m sorry Justine, it’s just, when you make someone play a crucial role in the destruction of the universe against their will, it makes a person say bad things!” “Thank your lucky stars you ever had to do anything so important,” Justine shrieked, lashing out. Alice leaped away from Justine’s slashing talons. “Hey, I’m up for a bitch-fight if that’s what you want, grandma. You and me, right here, right now.” Alice sat the Entropy Distributor down and prepared for a fight. “Ha ha ha,” laughed Justine, “It’s too late. The universe and everything in it will be contaminated, from this insignificant point in West Auckland!” she screamed. A bolt of lightning radiated out from the Distributor, into the sky. A hideous noise was rendered from the fabric of the universe. Alice screamed, “No!” At that moment, the Drs TARDIS materialised. “That meddlesome… Dr!” shouted Justine over the din. “That’s the pot calling the kettle black!” yelled Alice. The Dr emerged from the TARDIS with Sarah by his side. “Now remember! When I say, throw the explosives at the Distributor,” he told Sarah. “Can you throw?” “I was first in shotput at my school,” Sarah assured the Dr. “Good,” said the Dr. “Why hello, Justine,” he called out to his nemesis. “Hello,” said Justine. “Nice regeneration,” said the Dr. “Bullshit,” said Justine. “Still, it doesn’t matter. Soon, the universe and everything in it will be destroyed.” Meanwhile, the girls were having a talk. “Look, I know you think I like TK, but it’s because you just can’t stand another girl being around. You’re just paranoid,” said Alice. “I know!” said Sarah brightly. “I feel much better about it now. The Dr has shown me so much, all in the space of 5 or so minutes!” “Oh for God’s sake,” Alice moaned, “you’re a settler, Sarah. Just settle down and stop pretending to be the Scarlet Woman of Ferndale. If some random stranger in a trench-coat,” she cast her eye over the Dr, “looks your way you jump his bones. It’s not a good look.” Sarah shook her head. “No, no, you don’t understand. The Dr showed me a supernova.” “Yeah, TK does that kind of talk better than you, Sarah, don’t try to be cool.” “Oh, that’s right! And TK’s dead!” Sarah said. “I see,” said Alice. “You killed him, because you can’t stand to be without Craig.” I knew she had it in her, thought Alice. She’s crazy. Alice started to back away. “I didn’t kill him. Why do you think the worst of people, Alice?” “I don’t know,” said Alice, suddenly overwhelmed by the thought the universe was about to come to an end. “My mother really let me down,” she said, suddenly bawling. “Excuse me,” scowled Justine, “Do you think if we’re going to have two conversations at once we could not talk over top of each other?” Everyone nodded. They shuffled around so the two conversations could occur peacefully.

“The unravelling of the universe has already begun, you’re too late Dr!” laughed Justine. “Too late?” asked the Dr. “What if I dropped a big bomb on your plans?” “A bomb?” “Yes, a bomb. Just happens I have some dynamite here in my pocket. You’re finished Justine. Now, Sarah!” The Dr threw his dynamite but Justine pushed him as he was throwing it. Instead of landing on the Distributor, it went through the door of Justine’s TARDIS. It exploded, destroying Justine’s TARDIS forever. “Looks like you’re stuck at the hospital now,” said the Dr. “Luckily, there won’t be a universe shortly. So no more hospital,” said Justine. Meanwhile, Sarah was preparing to throw her dynamite at the Distributor, shotput style. “What are you doing?” shouted the Dr. “Nooo!!!” But too late. Sarah had over-estimated the weight of the dynamite, having been used to throwing a shot-put. The dynamite flew threw the air and sailed over the side of the building, plummeting into the car park. “What year did you say it was, Dr?” asked Sarah. “2006.” “What month?” “September, I think.” “Oh, shit,” said Sarah. An enormous explosion rocked the hospital. Sarah, Justine, the Dr and Alice looked over the side of the roof into the car park. They saw a burning car, with another version of Sarah lying on the ground nearby. “Holy crap,” said Alice. “Oh my God, Craig is going to hate me twice as much now. No, he’s actually going to kill me. Like I killed Huia,” said Sarah. “My fringe looked okay like that,” she added, studying her 2006 counterpart. “That’s the danger of time travel,” tutted the Dr. “I don’t know what’s going on and I don’t care,” said Justine. “The universe is still going to end. You have failed to destroy the Distributor.” “Ah ha! But that’s where you’re wrong,” said the Dr. “Disguised as a transmitter,” he said, looking at the machine, “and functions as one as well. You’re transmitting entropy into the universe, hoping it will unravel. All I need to do,” he said, leaning forward and adjusting the controls on the Distributor, “is change the frequency… and everything… will be just fine.” Suddenly, being beamed into all corners of the universe, was an endless stream of TVNZ drama. “Well,” said the Dr, “it’s the lesser of two evils.” “Sooner or later,” said Justine, “The universe will fall apart.” “Sooner or later your hair is going to fall apart, Justine,” said the Dr. “I suggest you pop over to Westfield and get yourself a hair clip or something. They had a great sale on, in 2002, or was it 2003?” “Damn you Dr,” said Justine, “but thanks for the tip. Anyway, would you… like to take me there?” “Oh that’s right, your TARDIS is destroyed. Let me see- nope. Straight back to 2007 for you Justine.” “Not even a quick trip around the cosmos?” said Justine in a silky voice. “I can think of people I’d rather travel through time and space with,” the Dr said, leering at Sarah. “I’m going to try and work things out with Craig, Dr,” said Sarah. “Even though I actually killed Huia, I still think we have a chance. We really love each other. So no thanks Dr.” “I won’t stand between you and true love,” said the Dr. “Would you like to come with me- bit of a jaunt around the universe?” he asked Alice. “Bit of a joint?” “I said jaunt.” Alice thought for a moment. “No, just drop me back in 2007 thanks.” She added, “Thanks for doing your bit for kiwiana,” indicating the functioning Distributor. “Well, you pay your broadcasting fee for something, don’t you?” said the Dr. They got in the TARDIS and the Dr took them back to 2007. Alice and Sarah agreed to help Justine pretend she hadn’t actually regenerated at all. The Dr engineered a projection of TK from the TARDIS control panel so Sarah would have a chance to adjust to life as a single person again. “And the best part,” she told Alice, “besides not having to explain his death, is that eventually the hologram will just disappear. I can say that TK ran off, and Craig will be over to mine like a flash. I’ll be crying Craig’s shoulder and back in his bed before you can say, Justine Jones has a new face!” “You are such a dozy slag,” said Alice, and they laughed their way through the space time continuum to Shortland Street, 2007.

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  • Shantaram

    I wrote this seven years ago. Still think it’s funny.