Last time on Shortland Street! Maxwell might be into Jennifer and asked her to move into his flat BUT Maia also wants to be into Jennifer too! She is some kind of superbabe! Tania loves Rafe who loves Laos and wants to move there to do dashing and heroic things.
Tonight: Rafe is leaving TOMORROW for Laos so he and Tania indulge in a bit of rumpy-pumpy upstairs while Maia loiters below entertaining Jennifer who has popped around for some plot reason or another. The sex noises are really quite gross. A lot of Tania squealing and going “oh! eeee! ooooooh!”. Anyway, Maia is clearly crushing all over Jennifer and totally wants to swap out annoying Nicole for sexy mature Jennifer. Which is understandable I think, Nicole is an idiot.
After all the, I am sure explicit, sex Rafe departs and waxes lyrical about the wonder that is Tania
Bespectacled brother Luke tells Rafe that he and Tania could live the life of Laos together, after all love is all you need. Tania, meanwhile, is woefully bemoaning her situation with the only person who will listen to her after all these years and all these men, good old Mama Jeffries. She thinks that Tania should run off to Laos with Rafe too! I think Tania should take the hint that no one wants her here.
Meanwhile over at the Scotty house Tracey and Scotty have put Rena Owen to work making place settings for their big wedding. They are going to give her a key so she can come and go as she pleases. This might be important information at some point. Scotty reminisces about the days of old back when he was just a simple shepherd in a nativity play. Rena Owen can’t remember the play because she was high on illicit drugs during the entire thing. This is just like my family! Except not, at all.
Anyway, because Maia is all lusting over Jennifer she talks current girlfriend Nicole to go away with her somewhere for some important quality time. This is how you deal with wanting to dump people, apparently. They decide to go somewhere sunny for their sexual reignition and they hug amicably. The thing about this whole lesbian thing is that they don’t really treat them like the other heterosexual couples, if you didn’t know better you would just assume that Nicole and Maia are really good buddies. They almost never kiss ON THE MOUTH!!!! and they are very rarely if ever shown all sweaty in bed draped in sheets or in any sexual kind if thing apart from that time we saw Maia all dressed up in a sexy netball uniform. But still. They are looking pretty chaste compared to the other couples (for example Brooke and TKs big wall bang, Callum/Rachel outdoors romantic bath and Rafe and Tania’s sexual symphony).
Speaking of couples who are allowed to have sexy smouldering kisses Tania and Rafe make out big time in the spiritual homeland of their relationship: the hospital reception. Tania gives him something leathery which is engraved with their motto “only happy memories” or something just as meaningful. But he doesn’t need things to remember Tania, he has the hickeys.
Over at wedding stationery central Rena Owen shows Tracey her designs for the place settings which Scotty has told her are the perfect colours for matching the flowers. Sadly Scotty is an idiot and has given Rena Owen faulty intel re: flowers and their colours. Tracey breezily informs Rena Owen that the flowers are actually blue and green or something and that she should make them with black ribbons too. Rena Owen is all “okay” but her face is so sad because, tragically she has already made ALL FIFTY-FIVE place settings and now they are USELESS. She throws them in the bin and I want to take her out for coffee and give her a nice hug. Screw you Scotty you have wasted everyone’s time!
And because I JUST ranted about the whole Maia/Nicole lack of
physical affection thing we are treated to an (implied) Nicole/Maia
I see no actual mouths touching though, but I can hear the sound! Sadly for Maia Nicole just can’t bear to be parted from the workplace to go on a relationship-saving getaway because she just has too much to plan for the christmas party! Maia is all “oh man, I am totally going to fall in love with Jennifer now” and Nicole remains blissfully unaware of her soon-to-be ex-status.
Meanwhile, Scotty finds the bag of wrong-coloured place settings in the bin and tells Rena Owen that she shouldn’t make them all again but Rena Owen wants to just do something right for a change so she pluckily keeps on making place settings. Scotty is touched, I think. Later he volunteers her for a job at the hospital (the only employer in town discounting the IV) because he feels deep guilt for her wasted toil with stationery and craft scissors. Tracey thinks its a bad idea but she is always a negative nancy so no surprise there. Also her hair is very high. Like a wig or something.
Over at the hospital where everything has a deep, relevant and special meaning for everyone Tania is busy tucking in some old lady when she exclaims “oh! My darling is here!” and some old dude shows up with a tupperware container of food. Wendy helpfully provides exposition by informing Tania that the old couple met as kids, were madly in love, were seperated by horrible families, met again many years later having never married or found anyone else while on a long haul flight (I am surprised they didn’t include “to Laos!” to really drive the point home) and by the end of the flight they were engaged. Wendy is all “But can you imagine! Wasting ALL THAT TIME?” and Tania is all “oh gods! this is just like me and hot Rafe! I gotta get railed by him every day for the rest of my life and one day I can be this old lady in hospital getting waited on hand and foot by old man Rafe and providing the impetus for young nurses in love with hot young rebels to chase after their dreams too!”. But then reality intrudes and she holds off on her instincts because, after all, Rafe is going to Laos and Tania lives in Ferndale. Sadly she accepts her fate and gets a cup of vomit thrown on her by Brooke who is just wandering the corridors with cups full of puke for random lovestruck nurses to wear.
Because the makers know that it this last scene was probably too subtle for us dummies at home to grasp we get Yvonne who is, of course, now chatting to romantic old man from before in the cafe. She is all “that is SOOOO romantic! you knew it was right and you kept trying!” and Tania stumbles into the scene no longer covered in bile when Yvonne starts rambling about how she knows her daughter (who is SHOCK standing right behind/next to her) “has found the one! I just know it!” and Yvonne is “terrified she might let it all slip away!”
HEY YVONNE YOU OLD BAT OPEN YOUR EYES AND BE MORE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS
If this were one of those frustrating kids matinees this is the point when all the kids would yell “SHE’S BEHIND YOU” and Yvonne would be all “what? where?”.
Anyway, Tania is all ‘um, hi?” and old man romeo leaves, no doubt to renew his vows with old lady over a tupperware container full of homemade lasagna. Yvonne is all “nup! I don’t give a flaming hoot that you heard me missy cos I am right and you will regret not sexing that Rafe for a much longer period”. Tania is all “whatever Mum. So what if I love him and-” and then god damned TK strolls into the scene and demands to hear what Tania said again, like its any of his business
“Oh hey! I am a total dick who interrupts ex-flame’s conversations! feel my muscles!”
Tania, somewhat awesomely is all “I said I hope TK interrupts our incredibly private conversation with inane questions” but TK and Yvonne just giggle at her and are all “you said you love Rafe! hehe!” and Tania’s all “my life sucks, its all vomit and shitty friends and family etc god I am miserable but that’s reality suckers! that’s how it is!” and TK, cos he’s a sensitive busybody is all “Oh, so you’ll live your life not telling this guy how you feel, that’ll work” and Yvonne pipes in “NOT!”. Yvonne then rises from her chair and demands that Tania take her pretty little self to the airport and to “not spare the horses” ? I had to look that up on google to make sure I heard that right. Tania, having seen the light, dutifully trots off leaving TK and Yvonne to share a smug hug over their shared busybodyhood.
So it is a race against the clock! Tania enjoys various pursuits in her quest to attain permanent Rafe-dom including yelling at Brodie and, probably, sparing no horses.
But, OH NO her car gets a flat tyre! She kicks it and hurts her toe! It is 3:15 and Rafe’s plane left at 3pm! Tania will be alone forever and will never get to enjoy the sweet touch of Durville again! But hold your horses! Who is this limping up from across the road! Why, it is none other than Rafe! He has cancelled his flight because he loves Tania! They make out. A lot. Loudly.
And with this we end our Monday night episode! I thought for a minute we would be losing our sassy “Tans” to Laos but no, instead we seem to have gained that apparently delicious Rafe for good.
Very little Brooke action tonight, which is the yardstick by which I measure a good episode. She needs a storyline, asap.