Oh hey, it’s Tobias again. Because Gabrielle is currently SWAMPED with her university work I am boldly stepping in to write tonight’s recap, and also to hasten my progress towards finally achieving that rage-induced stomach ulcer I’ve been craving
LAST TIME ON SHORTLAND STREET the police were all “hey that 14 year old dipshit lit a fire”
Murray takes the news of Evan’s potential arson very well, and traipses into Evan’s hospital ward and tells him he knows that he was lighting fires on purpose and all that kind of stuff
Callum has made a delightful recovery! Maybe. Jennifer’s hair looks suspiciously like she found some hair just lying around somewhere and clipped it onto her forehead:
Anyway, then Sophie acts like a petulant bitch about the whole situation even though her heroic father is on the mend, but Callum’s all “I WANT TO SEE RACHEL” oh ho ho
Evan claims he didn’t light any fires. It’s OK though, I’m sure they could probably pin something else on him, if it gets him locked up and off this show for a while. I don’t know. Of course, they’re still yet to explain exactly why Evan was carrying around a bottle of meths, but this is Shortland Street, not the “we think out our plot points thoroughly” show.
For absolutely no discernable reason, Evan tells this excellent story from his childhood, about how once his friend had an Incredible Hulk figurine, and Evan wanted one too. So, Evan stole his grandmother’s engagement ring from Wendy, with the intent of selling it to buy an Incredible Hulk doll. Then he saw Wendy crying about the missing ring, so he threw it in the river.
Now, let’s review this bizarre anecdote: Evan would have been maybe 10 years old when this happened. What kind of black market did this child have access to, where he could sell vintage jewellery? What child was ever jealous of someone else’s Incredible Hulk merchandise? Why did he throw the ring in the river? Absolutely nobody wins in this story. What a waste of my time.
Rachel’s all “oh yeah the police think Evan burnt down the building” and Yvonne’s like “WHAT’S UP WITH BOYS AND MATCHES?” as if to imply that she has a deep and mysterious history of boys playing with matches. Or something.
That bad man is still all banged up and in his hospital bed, then Jennifer comes in, and jeez that guy is a munter:
He just looks like he has a crippling internet porn addiction or something. Anyway, he makes Jennifer help plan out his new life, post-broken hand. I am very not interested in this.
Rachel goes to see Callum, who kicks Sophie out of his hospital room for acting like a total dick all the time. Then they for some reason re-enact their breakup scene, and Callum has this hilariously contemptuous look on his face the whole time:
Then he’s like “I’m tired” so she walks off. Honestly, this has just been ten minutes of bullshit so far. I’m really sorry to everyone who’s still reading this
Murray is steadfastly refusing to believe his shitty useless child did not, in fact, recklessly burn down a building and nearly kill a salt-and-pepper heartthrob. God, I hate the Wendys. Except Bella. She is sunshine on a cloudy day. <3 u babe
Jennifer confides in Maia about her Jim problems. Hey, also remember before the cliffhanger how there was that explicit lesbian sexual tension between Jennifer, Maia and Nicole? Yeah, that’s not addressed at all.
And probably, in years to come, 2011 will be remembered as the year this was the absolute hottest property on New Zealand television:
Uh, more stuff about Chris and Rachel and Callum. Don’t worry. Nothing happens, really. I gotta say, Chris’ “I’m so sensitive, we’re both victims too” act is a bit rich when he’s swanning about the place in this absurd suit with an extra-wide pink tie on. I know he’s like, the show’s flagship character or something, but he just comes off as kind of a douche most of the time
Mr and Mrs Wendy have a big argument about Evan lighting fires again, this time in the bar, and honestly, shouldn’t they be having these kinds of conversations in private? No excuse. I mean, if Brodie’s overheard it, then they’ve failed as parents, probably.
Rachel then goes to this craggy-faced old pumpkin for relationship advice:
Then Brodie stumbles into the hospital cafe and tells Hunter and Sophie that Evan’s getting charged with arson. Way to go, Mr and Mrs Wendy, for airing all your dirty arson laundry in public. Dipshits like this are the reason New Zealand has such strong suppression laws:
and you’ve just circumvented them. Way to go!
That bad man ex-husband of Jennifer’s is pitching his new career plan as a researcher to her, and she’s like “yeah sounds good” and then she rifles through his stuff for no reason. She finds a bag full of money, and immediately decides that’s why he got mugged. Because muggers are notorious for targeting people with a lot of money but not ever taking any, right? Oh wait, I guess that’s the money Isaac paid him off with? Anyway, then Jim yells at Jennifer for a while, as Maia kind of awkwardly chills out in the background. Then the sad guitar scene transition music plays. Haunting!
Oh man, Vodafone’s doing a “double rainbow” ad? That is the most embarassing thing I have seen in a very long time. Bless you, New Zealand.
It turns out Callum’s burns and penetrating wounds are getting all feverish oh no! Nicole and Jennifer are like “oh no he’s gonna be OK” but then Rachel’s like “WHAT IF IT’S A SUPERBUG?” and I mean what if, right? Heaven forbid.
Evan is playing video games and he has a sore head, when Sophie busts in like a total jerk and just starts yelling at him and laying this serious guilt trip on him for her father’s penetrating wounds. Actually this scene would be real sweet, if Sophie weren’t this total bitch. While this goes on Mr and Mrs Wendy pop in to see what the commotion is:
and I mean this is so emotional. Honestly, I’m having a real hard time feeling any kind of pity for Evan, no matter what
Maia and Jennifer bond some more, which is very exciting, and Maia looks all swollen, like she is recovering from being stung in the face by a hundred angry bees. At least things are getting all gay between them again.
NEW THEORY: Isaac has aspergers. If you watch him in scenes, he can never look at the person he is talking to. He’s at the very least somewhat schizoid. I mean, I’d know. I did two years of undergraduate psychology. Anyway, Isaac tells Chris that he and Rachel are doomed to fail as a couple. Chris refutes this argument, comparing himself and his love to pieces of cutlery:
I have no idea what he is trying to infer here. To be fair, I did watch part of this scene on mute, which is really the only way to watch Shortland Street.
Meanwhile, Rachel, who’s definitely the fork in this situation, goes to visit Callum in hospital, where he tells her about this beautiful dream he had where they made out at the beach for a while. Really not the kind of thing you tell someone who just dumped you, but whatever. He might have a game plan. She decides to stay with him, totally blowing off Chris’ plan for a hot romantic evening. Then she cries again:
Well, that was dreadful.