Shortland Street, January 24: I cannot take much more of this

Week two.  Already it feels like months since Shortland Street resumed.

LAST TIME on Shortland Street, Maia and Jennifer had this unbelievably smouldering makeout session in a lift, then Bella inexplicably worked out that bald creepy glasses doctor had been abducted by Isaac’s shady business partner or whatever.  He’s Russian.  Or Serbian.  Either way, they probably have a penchant for freezing temperatures and brutalist architecture.  Bald creepy glasses doctor confronted Isaac.

Jennifer and Maia leave the lift post-lesbian makeout and agree to meet up for a coffee later that night, presumably to talk about how bangin’ they think eachother are. 

Crazy Scotty’s no longer crazy, has recovered from his sweet brain surgery and Jesus Christ, he looks like someone found him in a dumpster or something.  I bet he smells like a public bathroom:

Anyway Scotty’s like “I need to see Tracey find her please” to Chris, like Chris is his slave or something.  Real selfish.  Anyway, on his way out, Chris bumps into Isaac, who cunningly begins a smear campaign against bald creepy glasses doctor.  He talks about someone setting up an underground operation on a Serbian criminal like it’s some ridiculous absurd premise.  Which, of course, it is.  But it still happened on Shortland Street, so you know.

At the IV, Jennifer and Maia are all talking about how they want to stick it to eachother real hard, and Jennifer’s like “I don’t trust myself anymore”.  Yes.  She doesn’t trust herself not to get worked up into a sapphic frenzy for this blinky dipshit:

Then Maxwell busts in for no reason other than they’re paying the guy, might as well have him in some scenes

Chris decides it’s time for the crazy Scotty acid test:  introduce Tracey to Scotty and see if he is still enraged at her tendency to wear white contact lenses.  Really, what I want to know is if Scotty remembers being all crazy, and if so, does he remember his crazy memories being true?  Like, will he be forever convinced that at one point, he believed Tracey was an imposter, or something?

And the results are in:  Scotty believes Tracey is, in fact, Tracey.  She is overjoyed at this news:

Anyway, Isaac’s all whining to Brooke because he’s going to be out of a job soon.  Here’s a sweet tip, dipshit:  don’t commit identity fraud to operate on Serbian mobsters for seemingly no reason whatsoever. Are we supposed to be sympathetic to Isaac?  Like the time he complained he was poor, despite working as a surgeon at a private hospital?  Good grief.

TK smoulders his way into the staff room to talk to Tracey, who is debriefing herself with a nice mug of cocoa.  Shortland Street trope:  When a character experiences an emotional or hard moment, they will be clutching a mug of cocoa in the next scene they appear in. Anyway, turns out Tracey’s all upset because her douchebag family are all “oh hey you probably shouldn’t marry that muderous lunatic”, and I mean, I kind of see their point.  Maybe that’s because I, like Tracey’s family, am from Christchurch

Jennifer’s baking, Maxwell’s pretty enticed. She comes out to him.  Is it coming out?  I guess so.

Word’s got around that crazy Scotty is OK now, and Rena Owen couldn’t be happier!

Actual dialogue:

Scotty:  I just want to keep looking at you

Tracey: It’s a good thing I washed my hair

I really wish Throng didn’t automatically censor out all swearing.

Also, this is the opening shot of the next scene:

Yeah, I’m not even gonna watch this scene.  I hope there aren’t any important plot points!

guh I caught the tail-end, Jennifer’s like “I baked this to keep me busy last night” and Wendy was all “I CAN LEND YOU A COUPLE OF TEENAGERS!!!”  Yeah, sweet joke, you old tramp.  Probably Jennifer doesn’t want to look after your arsonist scumbag of a son.  Nobody does.  He’s worse than trash.  Oh also, Maia doesn’t want to be alone with Jennifer.

Chris gets this Serbian mobster meeting started with bald creepy glasses doctor and Isaac, but as soon as it gets under way it inexplicably cuts to this unbelievably shitty scene in which Brooke demands Bella gives her a new pen.  I’m not even joking.  Then it’s back to the meeting scene.  Then it’s back to Brooke yabbering about pens again:

Good grief.  So Brooke was asking Bella for a pen in order to get Bella to leave the front desk unattended while she goes to the stationery cupboard to get a new pen.  And depsite that being the shittiest scheme probably ever, it works, leaving Brooke able to break into Bella’s drawer, where all her passwords are kept in a book, for some reason.

We get some sweet race against the clock scene, in which Brooke races to use the passwords to delete the Serbian’s fake hospital file before Chris can see it.  Now, let’s just hold on one second.  Why does Brooke need Bella’s password to delete patient files? Bella is a receptionist.  Brooke is a DOCTOR AT THE HOSPITAL. Jesus Christ.  Never mind, she’s able to successfully delete the file before Chris can see it and fire Isaac, or whatever

this is slowly destroying my soul

So Brooke like, corrupted a whole bunch of files, or something, and everyone’s blaming Bella.  Who’s totally the best character this show has ever had, and has done nothing to deserve this scorn.  I am so angry at the injustice of it all

oh hey speaking of sweet babes, I may/may not have seen the actress who played Libby on the street last week.  I am a lot taller than her.  This means two things:  1) I could beat her up, 2) we would be a perfect couple

So now Isaac’s getting all smug about Brooke’s stupid plan working, and Brooke’s like “he’ll still be all suspicious”.  And I mean, probably she should abduct him for a few days.  It really worked a treat last time he was suspicious about something, right?

Nicole’s back in town, and she’s hanging out with a magical gnome!

This could put an end to the Maia/Jennifer hot lesbian porn story 2011.  Or, alternately, it could get even more weirdly porn-like, and devolve into some weird menage-a-trois.  Honestly, Shortland Street’s not below it.  It’s not below anything.

In Scotty’s hospital ward, Chris helpfully retroactively explains the entire crazy Scotty storyline:  the poison Penny/Paula gave Scotty caused the brain tumour, which presented itself looking like post-traumatic stress disorder, and the drugs for the PTSD masked the brain tumour symptoms.  He tops it off by saying “I don’t know.  I don’t know the science of it” which really seems to be a serious deus ex machina, but whatever

Anyway, then there’s some bullshit about how Scotty blames himself and how he’s such a violent guy etc.  It’s very serious. 

Uh, over in the hospital cafe, Isaac decides to celebrate him keeping his job by asking Brooke to steal him some morphine.  Get this:  the reason he wants the morphine is so he can dose up bald creepy glasses doctor, so he “acts weird”.  When he said that I actually had to pause the show and kind of hold my head in my hands in shame for a few seconds.  I exhaled, and wondered what my life had come to.  There’s got to be something better than this out there.  This is exactly why people turn to religion.

Scotty’s meeting Tracey’s asshole Roger Daltry-looking brother.  I mean, properly meeting him.  Not freaking out in a park and getting tackled and stuff, like the past couple of times he’s met him.  But then the brother leaves, which makes me wonder why that scene happened to begin with, but it’s OK, because Scotty’s like “yeah actually babe you know how I’m nuts?  yeah let’s not get married”

Then the episode ends.  I am so shocked I can barely believe that the beautiful union of Scotty and Tracey probably won’t go ahead because I care a lot etc

Subscribe to our mailing list

About the author

An excellent gift for the kids!
More from this author »

  • eclairs

    TRIUMPHANT

  • crickets!

    this is the best blog i have ever read in my life LOL

  • gherkin

    i actually want to start watching shortland street so i can follow this blog better.  AMAZING.