OK so I’ve recently started following “Shortland Tweet” on Twitter, and I’ve gotta say it’s almost kind of illuminating. I mean, kind of. Here are some great facts I have learnt today:
The underground carpark was first introduced in the serial killer
storyline. It tends to be used now when weather is bad outside.
That’s actually a pretty useful answer. Way to go!
SPOILER: This is the block of strong mother characters: Yvonne, Hine, Shobna… and there is one more coming…
Oh, god damn it.
Our production office has received several complaints about the lesbian storyline.
Usually completely apathetic, but always deeply homophobic. Bless you, New Zealand.
LAST TIME ON SHORTLAND STREET Nicole got real shouty in the reception area. It was unbelievably good. Like, best thing on Shortland Street this year.
About a week ago I predicted that Nicole and Maxwell were going to hook up. I mean, I didn’t write it here, but I thought it, and that’s basically the same thing. Anyway, tonight’s episode opens with her whinging and stuff while he just kind of awkwardly stands there, steadfastly refusing to speak. He’s playing it cool. Soon he will nail her on the rebound, just like he nailed Sarah on the rebound. For now, he’s pretty much resigned to uncomfortably standing next to a weepy lesbian:
playin’ it cool
Maia and Jennifer retreat to their spiritual homeland of the locker room. So I mean when you’ve just turned a straight girl gay and been yelled at by your live-in partner in front of pretty much all your co-workers, what you want is your mother coming in and yelling at you and your new sapphic lover, right? I really love how Yvonne’s character has been basically reduced to “big ball of outrage”. But really, Jennifer’s an adult. She don’t need your bullshit, Yvonne
Shanti’s mother is paying Tracey a visit and she’s all “oh hey remember how my daughter married your fiance, but then she got like dengue fever and died so he hooked up with you but then he got shot so he went crazy and also he got a brain tumour and now he doesn’t want to marry you?”. She resolves to get Scotty back with Tracey
Hey it’s pretty weird how she’s back on the show, isn’t it?
So I am kind of developing a crush on Bella. Actual dialogue:
Bella: You’ll never guess what’s been happening in triage. Apparently everyone’s a lesbian.
I don’t want to over-intellectualise things here – this is Shortland Street, let’s not forget – but I’m starting to think Bella basically acts as a Shakespearean fool on the show. Basically she acts like this total dipshit, with weird occasional undertones of meta-commentary on the inherent ludicrousness of everything else that’s going on. Maybe.
Anyway, it turns out Bella didn’t corrupt those Russian doctor files from way back, which we already knew. So that’s something, yes?
Shanti’s mother, in her quest to go over to every character’s house and piss them off (it’s what Shanti would have wanted), pops over to someone’s house. Maybe Rena Owen’s house? Anyway, she immediately commences nagging Scotty to get back with Tracey etc sorry I am watching Seinfeld on DVD as I write this. Jesus, Seinfeld’s good. All I want to watch.
Isaac and Brooke have an “evil conference” to get rid of bald creepy glasses doctor. Because I love reviewing this storyline, here it is again: Isaac illegally operated on Serbian mobsters. Because bald creepy glasses doctor got suspicious, said Serbians abducted him from a public carpark in broad daylight. They then politely deposited him back on the street without a scratch a couple of days later. Strangely, this didn’t dissuade him from his suspicions, and he quickly zeroed in on Isaac as the man behind it. Isaac and Brooke began an elaborate smear campaign, and in a desperate attempt to make BCGD look crazy, they did stuff like delete files and spike his nasal spray with sweet opiates. Jesus.
So anyway. Their latest hot scheme is to plant drugs in his house, so people will continue to believe he is crazy, and he will be suspicious of Isaac’s frankly bizarre actions no more.
Rena Owen’s hilariously disappointed because she hadn’t been cast yet at the time of Scotty’s last wedding. I guess she’s sad that she’s like some kind of shitty parent? I don’t know. She seems to be drunk in like, every scene. God knows I would be.
OK, so Brooke and Isaac set their latest ridiculous plan in action by having a brutally terrible fake fight in New Zealand’s favourite carpark RIGHT IN FRONT of bald creepy glasses doctor. Uh, actually I don’t see what part this plays in their glorious master plan, but I guess all will be revealed soon.
Nicole’s about to go home and “have a good cry” when Maia busts in and starts all apologising. Nothing says sorrow like illicit sex in a sinister underground carpark
Uh, weird argument for no reason in the operating theatre between Jennifer, Isaac, bald creepy glasses doctor. Strange homophobic undertones from all concerned. Actual dialogue:
Bald creepy glasses doctor: I suggest we concentrate on the job at hand
Isaac: Which just happens to be… a job on a hand!
Guhh, Shanti’s mother’s campaign of irritation isn’t over yet. Your daughter died like two years ago, lady. I am fed up with this.
Maia goes to see Jennifer and she’s all “hey we a hot couple now right?” and Jennifer’s like “not sure about that eh” and Maia’s like “we won’t be boring”. For someone who once killed a guy, Maia’s actually pretty boring
Anyway, Jennifer goes and whinges to Rachel about how she can’t work anymore because everyone thinks she’s a lesbian, but Rachel’s like “nah you’re not resigning, soz”. That would look pretty terrible on your job application. Reason for leaving last employer: Had lesbian sex in a carpark with convicted murderer, was publicly abused by jilted lover, had weird clip-on fringe
Isaac and Brooke continue their bizarre, completely unneccessary subterfuge. Brooke’s like “bald creepy glasses doctor’s still hooked on junk” to Chris, and decides to take him over to bald creepy glasses doctor’s house, where she will plant morphine for him to find, presumably. Wait, why did Brooke and Isaac stage that argument in the carpark?
Rena Owen old, unhappy, finally reduced to starring on Shortland Street. Scotty lays this seriously huge guilt trip on Rena Owen for being this seriously shitty mother, she responds by acting all sinister, snatching phones and stuff:
Maia accosts Rachel, and learns that Jennifer has properly resigned, like, for serious. She’s pretty bummed about that. Big mistake, Maia!
Michael Galvin is my favourite actor on Shortland Street. You have to consider the position he is in, though. He’s basically the closest the show has to a protagonist, has been on it for way longer than I’ve been watching it, and is clearly acutely aware of the quality of the finished product. He’s just coasting along, doing as little as he can and clearly just lovin’ life. Jeez, he’s chill
Anyway, Brooke hides the morphine in bald creepy glasses doctor’s house, successfully entices Chris to find it. Chris thinks bald creepy glasses doctor is still all on the junk and stuff. Ridiculous mission accomplished! And that’s our show.