ferndale's blog

I had written an entire entry of this while watching the show.  Then I accidentally closed my browser window, deleting everything I’d just written.  I am very annoyed.  It was a very good entry.  Sort of.

LAST TIME ON SHORTLAND STREET Gabrielle was like “hey Shane Tucker let’s have dinner” then she started making out with Jonathan, who is blind, also, he used to be gay.  Maybe he isn’t now.  Advice?

TONIGHT’S EPISODE opens with Gabrielle and Jonathan still making out, implying that they’ve been at it for nearly 24 hours now.  Then they’re like “let’s not make out” and then they start making out again.  They decide that they are now a couple, and they will be making out again in future.

Over at the hospital, Hunter is helping this real sickening looking orderly:

Feeling real queasy just looking at the guy.  Anyway, “Dr Sutherland” comes in and demands Hunter does some doctor stuff or something

In the staff room, Tracey refers to Sarah’s unborn child as “bubby”.  The word “bubby” is one of those things.  If anyone uses the word “bubby” for a baby, it’s a sign that I will never be friends with them, no matter what.  It’s the kind of thing that tarnishes a person permanently in my mind.  Like people who say “PC gone mad” or the name Terry.  Nothing’s worse than meeting someone,  getting along real well with them, and then discovering their name is Terry.

MORE BOOTIES

Oh yeah, there’s some awkwardness because Sarah is having a kid and probably doesn’t want one, while Tracey wants one real bad but can’t because her womb is about as barren as the Gobi Desert (yeah the Gobi isn’t that barren, but it’s my favourite desert.  What’s yours?  Let me know in the comment section)

Hunter’s on the phone abusing Paige on the phone for being a real shitty med student.  Then Hunter accosts Daniel, who’s in the hospital for some reason (why?)  and demands that he goes and sees Paige in person.

TK, Shavaughn from What Now and “Dr Sutherland” are all good friends now or something.  ehhh hey someone mentions Jill’s gone?  Where is she?  I suppose she was putting on her sweet play in Wellington when they filmed this or something.  I didn’t go see it, even though I live real close to the theatre.  Like, I was just a couple of blocks away from Jill from Shortland Street.  Can you imagine it?

Anyway, Daniel’s found Paige and they’re in a park, where she’s real buggin out with drug withdrawl and yelling about “loud birds”

Phwoar, 60% off super deals at Briscoes!  Definitely know where I’m heading after this

Back at the hospital, voyeuristic cameraman is filming Tracey and Sarah talking about “bubby”:

like anyone would be interested in their conversation

Anyway, then Tracey talks to Sarah like she’s a child, and leans over to directly address “bubby” itself:

I’M SO EXCITED

Hey, because I follow “Shortland Tweet” (clever!) on Twitter, I’ve learnt that the show’s ritalin stand-in “roytocin” is named after the show’s writer Roy Ward.  This makes for excellent viewing if you exchange all instances of “roytocin” in the script with “Roy Ward”:

Paige:  I don’t think I can get through medical school without Roy Ward.

And so on.  Well, it seems funny to me.  The other day my girlfriend sent me a text saying “hey we should have brunch”, and I sent her a text back just saying “no”.  I also thought that was really funny.  Turns out I’m kind of a jerk.

I’ve finally worked out what Shane Tucker looks like: an Easter Island statue.  Anyway, he’s all angry and stupid about how Gabrielle doesn’t want him anymore, and has moved into a relationship with … Roy Ward

Actual dialogue:

Gabrielle:  Things have changed.

Shane Tucker:  Because of Stevie Wonder here?  What, he just called to say he loves you?

That’s actually my favourite dialogue I have ever seen on Shortland Street.

At hospital reception, Wendy helpfully informs her daughter and Nicole that she would love to make out with a photograph of TK.  Then Bella embarrasses everyone by yelling about Shavaughn from What Now’s bridal shower right in front of Sarah, who’s still in a huff about the whole thing, I guess

<3 u forever Bella

Over at the IV, Shane Tucker goes over to Jonathan and starts talking to him about how he’s an asshole or something, and that he shouldn’t be sticking it to Gabrielle, because he’s an asshole or something.  I don’t really understand it, but I mean, I never really tried.

Daniel goes over to see Sarah to talk about Paige’s crippling addiction to Roy Ward. 

Sarah:  I take it your friend has been taking Roy Ward recreationally.

Sarah recommends Paige talk to Shane Tucker about her sweet drug problem, which is always a good move

Gabrielle and Jonathan come home from their sweet date (it seems to be night time now, though I think they just had lunch?) and Jonathan’s like “let’s not make out again”.  Gabrielle is very clever and surmises Shane Tucker has got his greedy face in their relationship and gets all angry and stuff

Paige and Daniel have a coffee and talk about how she’s a junkie and stuff.  Bloody love coffee.

Racist old “Dr Sutherland” comes in to ED and tells TK he needs to wash some poo off some guy, or something.  TK’s feeling real persecuted for whatever reason, but he’s just kind of a bitch, really and Shavaughn from What Now is fed up:

Anyway, then Tracey starts handing out invites for Sarah’s baby shower, and you wouldn’t believe it but it’s the same night as Shavaughn from What Now’s bridal shower!  What a coincidence!

Gabrielle goes over to talk to Shane Tucker about how much of an asshole he is, and leaves him feeling like kind of a jerk, probably.  She did, after all, “put together two and two, and got one big bully”.  So four is a bully?

Shavaughn from What Now and Sarah childishly argue about shower dates and it’s like “ladies please just be nice” you know?  Man I don’t want any tension anymore.  Hey, didn’t Winston kill a guy or something?  Why isn’t that being covered this episode?  As much as I love a nice shower, murder’s a lot more interesting

Paige goes to talk to Shane Tucker and she’s like “hey DID U KNOW I used to be a junkie?” and he’s like “GET OUT I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU”.  Man, he’s a jerk.

Paige:  It’s withdrawl

Shane Tucker: From caffeine, or something?

Paige:  Roy Ward.

Tonight we open our episode with Tracey. She is really sad because she just found out she has no (I think maybe they said low) fertility. Either way, she ain’t happy.

Sarah (who is currently full of baby) is the one to comfort her. A little awkward.

Hunter, now on drugs as financed unwittingly by Callum, is trying to impress Jill enough to get  back into her britches. While Hunter smooches around all high on drugs and waxy Jill and Callum continue their flirtatious May-December friendship/courtship in front of his nose. 

Bella is suddenly really attracted to Daniel? Sure, why not.

Basically any spare single character is fair game for any other similarly single character, regardless of backstory or sometimes even gender. Hey Nicole!

Bella and Daniel carry on this awkward wooing over glasses of beer and pinot gris. I don’t really like where this is going, Daniel and Bella would make an awful couple.

Scotty comes home from a hard day of Scottying and sees Tracey hanging out on the couch. He is all “oooh you wanna make a baby, baby?” but she’s lke “um. No. Um check out my fertility form. I might be barren”. Scotty isn’t too fussed though, it just means more practice or something?

Hey! This is a set I haven’t seen before! We are smack bang in the middle of the Cooper home and it doesn’t look like the crapshack I would have expected based on the “we are so destitute” Cooper legends. Daniel doesn’t know if he engaged in COOPULATION the night before because he was so wasted he has blocked the entire thing out. Oh Daniel.  Anyway, he is stumbling around the Cooper lounge when the entire family shows up and start saying things like “Why were you so loud last night?” “You kept me up all night!”and “What was with all the yelling?”. Bella is all “That was just me taking Daniel’s pants off”. What? I don’t understand. Are we meant to?

I went on some website to see what a Bella/Daniel baby might look like- and to be honest, I am not confident that this is an accurate representation of that

Like, I am not sure where that sweet hair came from, but man, that kid would take over Ferndale!

Anyway, Scotty is now being really nice to Tracey and has decided to give her the day off. That is the benefit of marrying your boss. Scotty plies her with juice and stuff and then starts talking about going to some ovary specialist. Tracey hates to hear that Scotty is positive about the whole thing and would prefer him to be depressed and defeatist like her. Maybe they will have some fertility stuff and then have quints! I would enjoy that.

Do you want to know what a Scotty/Tracey progeny might look like as envisioned by this weird babymaking website?

I AM SORRY SOME OF YOU MAY BE EATING

ANYWAY

Regan is STILL ON THIS SHOW. I really loathe him. Especially his stupid leather jacket and boring lies. They should start some kind of “Shortland Street: Survivor” gimmick so we could all vote, kind of like American Idol or whatever, and each week the one voted as most disliked would be cast out immediately. It could kind of be like those old “Choose your own adventure” books that were so cool when you were 10. Like, text A to SHORTY789 to send Regan to the quicksand, text B to bring back the ghost of Kieran Mitchell or text C to shave all of Hunter’s hair off. Actually, that would be a tough one for me to choose.

Anyway, Regan is ABOUT TO LEAVE, he is gussied up in his god damned jacket (making lots of squelchy sounds every time he moves) and all hugging Jill “Probably never see you again, babe” etc when Jill suddenly grabs his backpack and pull out fistfulls of marijuana/other drugs stinked cash. She’s all “what’s this about then?” and Regan is all wide mouthed. TO THE QUICKSAND REGAN.

I think the best “Collisions” biscuits are the chocolate chip/squiggle top ones.

Jill grills Regan on his drug dealing and then is all “I’m calling the police on you buster” then he yells “GIVE ME THE MONEY YOU STUPID SELF RIGHTEOUS COW!” and he throws her to the ground and she runs out all spooked. She hoofs it straight into the loving silver foxesque arms of none other than CALLUM MCKAY. They embrace, sexual tension leaping off them like a fork in a microwave.

Over at Scotty/Tracey house Scotty is nice to Tracey about her uterus. It’s quite nice.

In Callum’s lounge nook Jill is sobbing and Callum is trying his hardest not to propose to her on the spot. Jill, sensing his desire leans forward and finally the two star crossed lovers make contact. Its sort of like the Ben/Yvonne relationship but people probably don’t think its gross. Stupid hegemony!

We close on the image of the two unlikely lovers and all is right with the world. Do you think someone might brutally murder Regan a la Maia? She was given the all clear to keep on not being in prison so it could, conceivably, happen, right?

You want to know what’s really weird?  Like two years ago our landlady did an inspection on our flat. About 10 minutes after she left, she came back with a crate of beer that she found “lying on the street” and gave them to me.  I thought I’d drunk all that beer, but I just found four bottles in my cupboard.  Does anyone know if beer’s still OK to drink after two years or so?  Anyway.

LAST TIME ON SHORTLAND STREET: Hunter developed a hilarious drug addition, engaged in this beautiful sequence where he desperately rocked out to “old Shihad”, and went to a drug-dealing doctor for his next fix. 

TONIGHT Paige is pretty uncomfortable about covering for Hunter and his drug addiction.  You can tell because her eyes are unfocused and she’s constantly making chewing motions with her lower jaw.  Then there’s this new doctor named “Dr Sutherland” who totally steals TK’s thunder when he goes to treat some guy with food poisoning.  And I mean, TK shouldn’t be heaps worried, because less work for him, right?

OH HEY so you know how Brooke stole some guy’s research, then that guy died?  Now that dead guy’s wife (she’s American!) is on the show and she’s like HEY LET’S DO SOME RESEARCH TOGETHER HUH? and Brooke’s like

but I mean, Americans are pretty pushy

TK doesn’t like the new doctor because he steals all the good patients then goes on breaks.  Once, I worked at a cinema, and there was one specific co-worker I didn’t like much because he’d go and do easy jobs while I’d be stuck with customer service.  But you don’t see my life on television at 7pm every night, do you? (pro tip:  it would be really boring)

The American woman expresses amazement that stupid old Brooke could make any kind of medical breakthrough again, and I gotta say, either she’s onto Brooke’s lies, or she’s the biggest asshole on the planet.  Honestly though, I couldn’t say which it is at this point.

Do nurses get annoyed when doctors, instead of using their names, just say “nurse”?  Because that seems really jerky.  I’m just full of questions tonight. 

Over at the IV, Rachel remarks that Chris and Phoenix have returned covered in the sickening scent of the South Island.  Meanwhile, Phoenix is clearly text-sexing some girl he met in on a farm or something.  It was covered in an earlier episode, probably.  I don’t know, I don’t really follow Shortland Street. 

Man, Hunter’s got a pretty weird life.  He’s addicted to drugs, has this weird dead-eyed girlfriend who is mired in sexual tension with his father, and I’m gonna be honest, I kind of think his former dealer/student colleague Paige is more of a babe than Jill is.  Bold call, I know.   Anyway, Hunter’s whinging to Paige about how shitty he is as a human being, so she’s like “call me any time and I’ll come over and we’ll stick it to eachother” or something.  I see what that commenter a few months ago meant.  There are an awful lot of lesbians on this show.

Oh god, that “mantrol”  safe driving ad is embarrassing.  Like, I kind of want to get jacked up on testosterone and crash a car now.  And as I slowly burn in my metal tomb, I will laugh, because the NZTA failed in its bizarre attempt to appeal to my masculinity.

Over on some sumptuous couch somewhere, Hunter and Jill are having this real excruciating date.   I’m so glad I’m me, and not someone else.  Hunter goes to make out with her and she hilariously rebuffs him, then his big blobby face bobs about for a bit in the immediate foreground:

but at least the camera’s focused where it should be: on Jill’s beautiful shoulder

Actual dialogue:

Callum:  I ruined the moment.

Hunter:  No no, the moment was gone long ago.

Callum:  So things are looking brighter between you two?

How on earth did Callum extrapolate that?

Man, this is a good love triangle.  Massive Callum/Hunter sexual tension.  So many longing gazes.

TK and that weird new doctor talk about what “real doctoring” is, and it’s really passive-aggressive.  I’m really not in the mood for tension right now.

That American woman’s sticking her nose in where it don’t belong again:  in Brooke’s stolen research.  Maybe I’m biased because Brooke’s the show’s second best character, but I want her to go away. 

Doctor Gramps powers across the hospital floor as Hunter and Paige talk shop:

Hunter’s lying about being hopped up on pills and stuff

Check out this creepy behaviour:  TK’s real happy, so Shavaughn from What Now’s like “why you so happy Teeks?” and TK’s like “it’s a secret”.  Then he gives her this chilling kiss on the side of the head and pulls away, laughing heartily.

Anyway, next TK walks over to Dr Sutherland, and both of them act like total dicks for a while.  Then Dr Sutherland walks off, at which point the patient next to TK immediately starts having a seizure.  TK isn’t very impressed.  Hate seizures.

Phoenix and Jasmine meet up to talk about how they do/don’t want to stick it to eachother, then he reassuringly pats her on the arm and is like “we’re good don’t worry”

Paige goes over and talks to Daniel, and for like no reason at all she gets real angry at him.  Bloody hell.  Daniel leaves, which is what you do when someone’s yelling at you for no reason, so Bella comes over and she’s like “you right babe?” and Paige is all “GET BENT MATE”.  What a jerk.  Then we find out that the reason she’s all angry is because she, like her lesbian lover Hunter, is addicted to drugs

That American woman comes in and gets all up in Brooke’s business again, and actually like every conversation so far this episode has had this uncomfortable undercurrent of aggression and tension.  They should make the dialogue like real life talking.  Incredibly banal and like, everyone’s always saying “what?”.

TK’s real steamed because Dr Sutherland heard he was taking Shavaughn from What Now to “the Penlington” for dinner, then he made her do a double shift

Paige goes over to see Hunter and is like “did you know I’m crazy because I am addicted to drugs?”

That’s a picture I made to demonstrate the dangers of taking drugs. 

Hunter pledges to help Paige kick her dangerous habit, visibly sweating under the pressure of being addicted to those very drugs himself!!!!!!!  (as someone who deals in words for a living, let me give you another pro tip:  if you don’t like a sentence, use as many exclamation marks as you need to make it good)

TK confronts Dr Sutherland about his nefarious plot to whisk Shavaughn from What Now out of his lecherous grip. 

Then things take a turn for the weird.  Dr Sutherland attacks TK for being “privileged” because he received  a Maori scholarship to med school.  And I mean, I don’t want to get political here, but it kind of saddens me that his clearly villainous tirade will have drawn cheers from stuff.co.nz commenters all over New Zealand.  Behold!

oh Dr Sutherland!  Your views are so wacky!

uh and that’s our show.

 

Hi, sorry we haven’t updated in like two weeks.  Because we are competent adults, we forgot/completely neglected to pay our internet bill and got disconnected.  Turns out life’s sort of incredible if you go without internet.

LAST TIME ON SHORTLAND STREET there was this interminably boring bit about how Callum was buying a car and brought Jill along for basically no reason.  It was revealed that Jill once bopped the car salesman on the head, thus ruining his life.  Also, DHB Shane tried to sell the software he stole off Daniel to a bunch of people, so Daniel sabotaged him in front of a room of professional journalists. OH THE SHAME.  Oh also, Bella’s onto Regan, or something

Tonight, Scotty and Tracey talk about how bad they wanna bone eachother in front of Bella, who’s all heartbroken because Brodie is on the lam after he got tortured by some one-eyed guy.  Jesus.  Then Nicole and Wendy talk about how bad they want Scotty to bone Tracey.  Can you imagine the sheer psychological torment of having a vested interest in your coworkers’ sex lives? Makes me sick.

Phoenix and that asshole kid Harry are playing frantically hammering plastic controllers while that scream from the old Nutri-Grain ads emits from the television.   Looks exciting.

This all gets too much for Rachel’s useless brother Jonathan, who gets up to leave.  But oho, he’s also blind, and he hilariously falls over:

Oh yeah, so Shane Tucker attacked Daniel in the lift yesterday because of his computer sabotage.  Now Sarah’s real grumpy about that

Shane Tucker’s pretty angry that this whole debacle will ruin his career, but let’s consider:  He was a DHB member.  DHB members are elected by the public during local body elections.  While acting as a DHB guy, he just up and decided he would also be a hospital CEO, so he fired Callum and assumed the position himself.  Now, I don’t really know the health system, but can you do that?  I really doubt that’s legal, and if it is, it’s certainly undemocratic.  Was there a byelection to replace him on the DHB?  I need details.  Really, Shane Tucker, you can’t sink a career built on lies.  Soon it will sink itself.

Man, where’s Vasa?  All we’ve got is Tracey whinging about her new job which requires her to have a Jennifer-esque fringe and not wear hospital scrubs all the time.  Also, Scotty’s real happy now.  It’s dumb.  I liked him way better when he was like, freakin out and trying to kill his fiance and stuff

Actual dialogue:

Phoenix:  Jonathan is blind.

Jasmine:  That’s kind of bad.

Jasmine does, however, make the very salient point that Harry is a little bit evil.  Then she’s like “let’s go home and you can stick it to me” and he’s like “well no, first I’m 14, second there’s some guy trying to rape Ula, we should probably hang out with her”.  Then Jasmine gets in a huff and storms out.  Jesus, this is some heavy stuff.

Daniel kind of feels like an asshole about how he ruined both his and DHB Shane’s career, so Sarah comes  and slumps at the bar, slurring at him.  It’s really weird.  She’s talking to him normally, then she finishes her sentence and makes this face at him:

It kind of lingers on that for about a second.  Incredible performance.

Anyway, it turns out Sarah’s having a meeting with DHB Shane and the rest of the DHB, and Sarah invites Daniel.  Definitely a good move to bring your emotionally retarded son with anger issues to a high-powered business meeting at your job.

God, Wendy and Nicole aren’t letting up.  While carting this corpse through the hospital, they stop to demand Tracey reveal the sordid details of her steamy love life.  Naturally, Tracey refuses, and they get all offended.  What a bunch of jerks, honestly. 

Shortland Street’s getting real good with the camera angles, as Rachel teaches her useless blind brother to make a cup of tea.  Delicious!  Phoenix then complains to Jonathan that his girlfriend Jasmine is “always trying to kiss [him] and stuff”.  What a massive drag.  Anyway, then Chris comes home and starts talking about Uncle Brian (?) who has a cut on his leg.  This neccessitates an urgent cellphone call and concerned looks all round.  Good plot point.

Because DHB Shane is a great guy, he bustles in to Gabrielle’s office and angrily demands she take a break so he doesn’t feel depressed that he’s drinking by himself in the middle of the day because he just kind of beat a guy up after stealing his software.  Actually, this scene is some kind of grumpy tour de force.  I want to somehow sample it and paste the whole thing here, because it’s infinitely funnier than anything I could ever hope to write – DHB Shane, his bloated, gargoyle-like face writhing in anger as Gabrielle sits there simpering.  It’s beautiful.

DHB Shane’s anger gets too much, so Gabrielle’s like “go away forever thanks”

It’s actually pretty good.  Really wish I had Asperger’s so I’d be that good at breaking up with people.

Wendy and Nicole have lost a corpse. Dipshits.

OK, so Jonathan isn’t actually blind, he’s just like a bit mental, and that’s making him blind.  Once he’s not mental, he’ll stop being blind.  Also, Phoenix comes in and muses about Uncle Brian:  “Maybe he rolled the quad down by the creek, or whatever”.  Maybe!  Phoenix has this real good open shirt over T-shirt look. Quality.

Sarah’s seethes at Gabrielle over how shitty DHB Shane is as a hospital manager and as a gargoyle.  Gabrielle’s like “hey your professional opinion is being influenced by your son”.  Which is probably true?

Wendy and Nicole still have a missing corpse on their hands.  My pick:  Harry has severed the head and embalmed it in some kind of primitive ritual, and ate the rest.  Actually, this is really peculiar.  They were seen carting about the very corpse that’s missing like ten minutes ago.  How do you just forget where you put a corpse?  I certainly hope this show is taking a turn for the surreal

Blind old Jonathan is helping Chris do the dishes.  Big mistake.  Never let a blind person touch anything of any value.  The  two have a good chuckle about how Chris is some kind of sociopathic womaniser, then Jonathan predictably smashes a plate and has a good whine about how useless he is.  Here’s a tip buddy:  if you want to stop being useless, probably don’t be useless

Hey, I just solved this episode’s great mystery:  the missing corpse is a hilarious prank played by Scotty and Tracey to get back at those meddling nurses for making them stick it to eachother.  Oh, it’s not a mystery, it’s meant to be obvious.  Feel really stupid now.

Sarah doesn’t have anything to say about DHB Shane’s shitty management, nobody’s happy.  Nice one, Sarah.

This Uncle Brian drama has reached fever pitch, so Phoenix has decided he’ll be travelling south to investigate whether he really did roll his quad by the creek, or whatever.  I can’t wait to hear about what happens next in the scintillating drama of off-camera Uncle Brian’s sore leg!

Meanwhile, Chris is looking more like a member of Duran Duran by the day:

I mean modern day, washed-up post-cocaine addiction Duran Duran, not young handsome Duran Duran.

As Sarah and Daniel get ready to leave, DHB Shane pops in and informs them that he’s standing down as CEO.  Which is only fair.  Shouldn’t Callum get his job back then? Oh well, at least DHB Shane is suitably angry about the whole thing:

I used to be like “oh that DHB Shane is such an asshole” but now I think I love him.  Nobody’s angry acting has ever actually made me literally laugh out loud like his does.

Wendy and Nicole have finally located the corpse/prank in some nightmarish dark zone.  Which actually seems like a pretty logical place for a missing corpse to be.  Anyway, they get yapping about some bullshit, when the corpse lurches up, groaning:

hey that’s tiny.  Lots of white space.

Anyway, Nicole does what anyone would do when faced with a reanimated corpse:  she bops it on the head with a tray.  The corpse sinks back into the bed whence it came.  Turns out the corpse was Scotty, and they killed him!  Like, actually.  The last line of the episode is “oh my god I killed Scotty”, so you know he’s dead.

So, yeah.

So since we last blogged a lot of stuff has happened although not a lot of has been good viewing. I will try to remember the most salient points:

*Roimata and TK are on the rocks with their awful relationship. Sarah and her fetus loom large over their doomed union.

* Regan is faking terminal illness and is playing some sick kind of mind game on Brodie who he forced to transport then hold drugs. Regan then stole the drugs back? I don’t know, really hate that character and his stupid leather jacket

*Chris isn’t sure if he can keep it in his pants if Rachel moves to Wellington for a hot new job. His track history says no, he will probably have sex with Suzy Aiken again. Full circle.

*Gabrielle is turning on the stilted charm and keeps sauntering around the hospital dressed in tight fitting white shirts and driving Chris wild with talk of life or death operations and sexy spinal surgery conferances

That might be all?

Tonight: Regan turns up to Brodie’s house and is all “oh hey, I’m dying, you’ve lost my stolen drugs, I can’t pronounce many, many words”. Regan might be trying to frame Hunter for stealing drugs?  Or trying to get drugs and money? No idea.

Paige is all “Hey Hunter, love to study etc etc, I am really awesome and cool, etc” and Hunter is all “Now I find your arrogance endearing! Watch me make some faces now please babe”

Paige loves it and leaves giggling.

Jill stomps into the room and is all “Regan- that guy is so great” and Hunter is like “yeah, I hate that idiot, come to dinner with me tonight” and Jill is all “nah, I’m gonna hang out in oncology with Regan while he reads to sick kids”. Hunter, quite rightly, calls Regan out on being a cliched suck up but Jill is like “the kids love Regan”, proving once and for all that kids have terrible taste and don’t know anything about the world.  Jill and Hunter suck and need to break up so they can stop hogging screen time squabbling about him being busy and her being mad for Mr Leather Jacket.  Jill and Regan are much better together because they both suck and they both seem like the type to really love Adam Sandler movies.

When are Hunter and Paige going to get together already? It has been in the offing for ages and that film noir ad featuring  SARAHnading TK has already set them up as a gruesome twosome. They will make such an awful power pair- can you imagine going out on some double date or something and the two of them being all “we are doctors!, what are you?” and you’d be like “oh I am ______” and they would smirk, high five each other and take ritolin and you would be all “my life is agony”.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if all Shortland Street was filmed like that ad? All sexy dangerous and glamourous.

That Holden chracter shows up at Brodie’s and is all faux-threatening with his big cap and his baggy top. Is it just me or is there something a little wrong with this Holden fella? He seems like he would be more suited to remedial reading lessons than drug dealing 

He is almost endearing in his desperation to be bad. Just want to pat him on the head and give him a lollipop and a That’s Life magazine to make a collage and a pirate’s hat.

Anyway, Brodie tries to explain his ridiculous situation but Holden won’t hear any of it and instead they engage in some sizzling sexual tension.

This is the kind of chemistry lacking between most of the hot couples on the show (I’m talking to you Shane and Callum)

Holden is all “My friend Dex is gonna break your legs like twigs” and its just like Kieran all over again. Holden tells Brodie that he needs to get $30,000 to him by tomorrow lest he be visited by this mysterious Dex character. Brodie can’t believe he is being bullied by this funny wee guy who, in all likelihood, is going home to learn how to write capital letters and operate the microwave.

In the hospital corridors Paige is all pissy about Hunter being unavailable for another study session. She does her whole “I’m a bitch but you love it” routine and then Hunter’s all “nah, we can study together after all” then he says

“You can bounce off me all you like”

Meanwhile, Daniel has aged approximately 50 years and is enjoying the twilight of his life hanging out with Scotty, Sarah and Tracey bitching about his awful failure of a life and waiting for the sweet release of death

Where is Vasa? I know she moved because of the whole Murray seduction but we really should see her more? Sometimes her silky voice is all that gets me through.

Over at the IV Bella is bothering Brodie, trying to offer him sensual massages but all he wants is to not have his legs snapped off by Dex. Bella looks odd with her hair back.Odd, but alluring.

I love it how all the cell phones on Shortland Street have the number tone function on- like we wouldn’t be able to figure out they were using their phones if we couldn’t hear “beep beep beep”. Bless.

Daniel bursts into Sarah’s office and starts spouting off about his new software idea- a variation of the surgical tourism stuff and half the work is already done! Finally his luck has turned around!

Sarah, because she is with child, fluctuates between intense apathy/disgust

shrewd crazy eyes

and depraved ecstasy

Every day is a wild ride when you are Sarah Potts.

Immediately Shane Tucker calls Daniel into his office and Daniel is all “YOU MUST REALLY BE KICKING YOURSELF ABOUT LETTING ME GO” and Shane is all “wrong!” and then Daniel starts showing off about how how he will soon have another great software idea that will “make Shane cry”. Then Shane tells Daniel that if he ever makes any medical software again he will be infringing copyright and Shane will own his soul forever. Daniel almost passes out from the news. There is something about Tucker which makes me think he should be in a wax museum or something. I can’t quite put my finger on it but there is something very sinister/plastic going on there.

Over at the cafe Paige is busily defending her fiend of an uncle to Daniel who won’t hear of bar of it. Paige calls Shane “a good man” which I would agree with if she finished her sentence with “to boil in oil”. Daniel can’t bear the idea of a future raising Tuckeresque ghoul babies with Paige and he dumps her arse. THE VERY SAME DAY AS HUNTER AND JILL ARE IN THE MIDST OF BREAKING UP!WHAT ARE THE CHANCES!

Murray is having a great day.

Daniel and Callum relax over a beer and Callum suggests that Daniel take Shane Tucker to court to fight for his right to party. Poor Callum, he is jobless and stuck with Daniel for his only friend. When is he going to get a lady love? A silver fox of that calibre deserves to get wined and dined. Vasa???

Paige comes a looking for Hunter at his flat and he calls her into his bedroom. Hunter says the bed has “fresh sheets and everything” and then they admit their joint love woes. SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE WITH MICROBIOLOGY.

After a few hours of furious sweaty studying Paige and Hunter take their brain pills and start getting really emotional about Shane.  Paige gives us some back story and is all “oh cause when my parents died in a car crash Shane took me in and it ruined his life” What? Has this been covered before? I wasn’t aware Paige was some kind of orphan Annie?  Paige starts rambling on about how her fling with Daniel was never going to work because she needs someone “driven, like me” etc then she looks at Hunter, all driven and skin painted on like a mask  and whispers “someone like you” and Hunter is like “IT’S ON BABY- NOTHING TURNS ME ON LIKE SMUG BITCHES AND TRAGIC STORIES ABOUT DEAD PARENTS” and they furiously pash.

Hasn’t Hunter learnt anything from his parents failed marriage? Two bossy arrogant doctors never work out. And also, it is going to be super awkward if Paige is dating Hunter since she will still have to see Daniel all the time given that she will be sticking it to Hunter one room away from her old sticking-it-to-zone. Pretty sure Jill is not under the impression that they are broken up though. It will be just like when Ross and Rachel “took a break” then Ross screwed that girl and Rachel wouldn’t stop talking about it for seven more seasons.

Finally, at the IV Brodie and those adorable ruffians are chatting about the whole drugs and money drama. Bella lurks by a window to the courtyard, shocked by the naughty things going on. Holden tells Brodie to “get prayin” because good old Dex is going to tear him apart. Brodie looks like he may have soiled himself and our episode ends.

Next week: That awesome bad guy with the bad eye is back! Love that inhuman monster!

 

Last time(s) on Shortland Street:

Rachel is still jobless but got the twitter community all hot and bothered over her mighty abs honed by years of yoga and soul devouring, Shane Tucker continued his evil rampage by ruining Brodie, Regan and Daniel’s plans of taking over the world with surgical tourism software and Wendy, Nicole and Tracey acted like bitchy teens when they all decided to apply for the duty manager position. Scotty wanted to hire Nicole  (because Tracey interviewed like an idiot and Wendy is, well, Wendy) but Tracey, always the nark, complained to Tucker who overrode Scotty’s appointment and forced Tracey and her hair onto them all.

Tonight:

Scotty forces the triumvirate of bitches to pull a double shift so they can work out their differences/brutally murder each other. He also demands that Brooke babysit them and provide him with a written report of their behaviour.

Brooke, quite rightly is like “wtf? I have research to write, I hate all these nurses”

And seriously, what kind of shit is that from Scotty? I don’t think he gets to order doctors to write reviews of how awful his staff are. Tracey is all “well I guess we will have to just get along then guys” and Scotty is all “here, here, dear”. I liked Scotty and Tracey so much better as a couple when Scotty was trying to murder her.

Gabrielle and Chris are hanging out in their scrubs chatting about LASERS and Gabrielle offers to teach Chris how to use the LASERS later on. Chris makes a bunch of weird faces like he is going to vomit, scoffs a bit and looks a lot like Ricky Gervais in Extras

Gabrielle is all “oh right, yes, it is traumatic for you to be schooled by me, I understand” and Chris’ mind begins to race at the thought of role-playing student and sexy teacher with her and her LASERS

At the hospital the three grumpiest nurses are still engaging in their campaign of cattiness. Wendy is all

“You perform sexual favours for duty manager positions”

and Tracey is all “screw you Wendy you old dolt”

But really, are any of them good choices for duty manager? Wendy is on a second warning for screaming at Vasa/being a horrific bore, Tracey gave an awful interview, giggling throughout and Nicole has almost been fired multiple times for various immature crap involving Daniel and roster robots. Just give the job to Bella and be done with it.

Also, Daniel is an idiot for thinking that he could do work on a software program while being paid by an employer then quit, take his work and sell it. I hate Shane Tucker as much as the next person but really, Daniel is an idiot.

Meanwhile, Rachel does some wheeling and dealing with Shane Tucker and some horrifying woman with weird hair and pearls culminating in Rachel manipulating Shane into giving $25,000 to charity on the proviso that the charity also match that amount. Rachel is all “sweet” and promptly marches down to Chris’ exam room and demands he write her a nice fat cheque please. Shane, not having enjoyed this $25,000 loss calls up Wellington “Hi, I can’t hear you because of the wind” and works his puppeteer magic to get Rachel out of his grill.

Back at nursing central Brooke is avoiding work and secretly doing her research write up in a hidden room with the help of crafty Winston. That Winson sure is a snappy dresser. He needs a romance. Gabrielle? That would be something. After managing to successfully avoid all three harpies for a while the trio of lost storylines begin to catch on and combine their powers for good, instead of evil in a bid to catch Brooke out for her dereliction of duty.

Man I miss when Wendy was just some petrol sniffing lunatic getting fired from Sarah’s clinic and Tracey was just a half conscious body in a dumpster.

In an operating room some poor soul is lying face down on the table while Chris, Gabrielle, Paige and Hunter admire their neck anomoly and Chris attempts to chop it off via LASERS. Chris can’t handle the power of the lasers though and when Gabrielle tries to teach him how to operate his LASER correctly he flips his wig. Gabbins is all “Oh it’s okay, it must be hard learning something new when you think you are the master of the known universe”. She is the sole voice of reason amongst the fog of Wendys and Regans and Shane Tuckers.

At the cafe Regan is still trying to convince us that he has terminal cancer. Which he clearly does not. When will this narrative progress?

Back in the wards Wendy, Tracey and Nicole are busy not treating their patients and instead are engaging in some exciting sabotage. It’s all very exciting, almost like Ocean’s Eleven. Tracey pages Brooke drawing her out from her lair, Wendy seduces Winston away from his guard position over Brooke’s laptop with stories about missing old men and toilet checks, and Nicole busts in and first makes some improvements to Brooke’s (rather crappy) looking report

It is good to see that she knows the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Based on what I know of the internet she is maybe one of approximately ten people globally.

She then grabs the entire laptop and spirits it away! A good old fashioned heist!

Back at the nurse’s station the three bandits giggle gleefully about their success. Brooke rumbles over and they tell her that if she is a good doctor maybe it will show up again. They are all “then we can do our jobs!” which is good and all but kind of a loss anyway since they have been actively neglecting their jobs while scurrying around planning laptop theft.

It all works out though, you’ll be happy to know. Their adventure in crime has brought them closer together and they now love each other. What a relief. I was worried about those three!

Over at the IV Hunter calls Regan a “dick” and once again it is strongly implied that Regan is totally not suffering from terminal cancer. Terminal dickmunch maybe.

And finally at Chris’ mansion Rachel is up bright and early dressed corporate and typing away on the computer as fast as her tiny fingers will let her. She has good news! She has a new job and guess what it’s in Wellington! She can sleep on my couch! Chris is all “oh, well we can talk about it babe” and Rachel’s like “nah I took it already!” and good for her, all you women who independant, throw your hands up at me, etc.

And we end our episode. Too bad there weren’t any more sweet teen hoodlum parties tonight featuring mild nerds playing playstation and getting tipsy on two beers. That was such a sweet party.

Tomorrow: Brodie may or may not get caught by the po-po transporting drugs for that douche Regan and I think we can assume at some point Gabrielle and Chris will make out in a room full of lasers and body parts. 

Bedtime.

Hello,

Because we don’t really update this as much as we used to, we’ve decided to start a Twitter to cover the episodes we don’t do in depth here.  We may or may not maintain it properly.

 

FOLLOW US ON @ffferndale

 

Maybe we’ll even follow you back

So last night on Shortland Street some really weird and really gross stuff happened.

Firstly, Shane mindtucke(r)d Rachel and Chris and manoeuvred himself into bossman role.

Murray and Wendy went on a sexy picnic date, got all naked (I don’t really know the details of this part since tvnz on demand mercifully refused to show me the majority of this storyline). All I know is, at one point they were running around wearing ferns and flax and various flora yelling about some baby who was stuck in a hot car.

The lovers broke into the car housing the baby and drove it to Shortland Street, ran into reception all wrapped in world maps and stuff and wouldn’t stop screaming about how the baby was “floppy and unresponsive”. Except that it was neither, all gurgling and staring around like a regular baby. Anyway, Muzza and Wendy, post baby saving nuddy mission looked deep into each other’s eyes and pledged their undying love. I think.

Tonight:

Brooke and Winston are chatting about what a creepster Winston is and Brooke finds herself uncomfortable with the level of knowledge Winston has in his adorable little head about Brooke and her mum and her cancers and so on.

Winston is all “my role in life is to serve you” etc and Brooke is like

and Winston is all

“you are all that is pure in the world”

and so Brookie is like

and

and she promptly breaks his heart and fires him.

In ED Murray and Wendy are now thankfully clothed and are loitering around waiting for the parents of that hot floppy baby to show up. The baby’s mother is this lady

She’s really soz about leaving that baby in the car and stuff but she thought that she “was seriously gonna hit her!”. Poor floppy baby and her unstable mother. Imagine being that baby and having seen both Murray and Wendy naked.

Over at surgical tourism central Sarah and Rachel are busy schmoozing with some “american baseball star”. You want to know what an “american baseball star” would look like? Here you go

He talks about hobbits and stuff and it’s lols all around

TK oozes into the scene and is all “hey Sarah, wanna come to my engagement party?” and she’s like “um, no”. He demands Bella come too and says “7pm! Be there”. And once again I am forced to imagine the concept of a world without Shortland Street at 7pm. An alternate universe featuring no actual christmas but an exciting annual christmas party,  a predictable and horrifying tragic event at the same time each year; a world without What Now since otherwise they would be all “hey Roimata, do you have a twin who used to get slimed by Jason Fa’afoi?” 

Anyway, over at the IV Maxwell and Vasa discuss their no hope daughter and the fact that they should financially plan for her going to university, despite the fact that Maxwell thinks a career in delivering circulars is more her pace. Vasa and Murray engage in some more sexy looks and Maxwell is all “aw gross, Vasa come on now! He’s married, to Wends!”. Vasa’s all “Judy calls” and off she goes. To Judy.

In the staff room Wendy is regaling Nicole and Tracey with the story about that totally floppy baby. Tracey and Nicole are saddled with some truly awful dialogue about road maps and Murray’s junk and Tracey actor seems keenly aware of how awful her character truly is

and then

But Tracey is not the worst in this trio, Wendy still takes the cake for character I most want to shiv

Anyway Vasa is all “what’s so funny ladies?” and they are all “aw, nothing just chatting about Murray and Wendy doing it like animals all night long with whips and stuff”. They all leave and Vasa loiters gorgeously in the staff room.

“Lonely, I’m so lonely, I have nobody for my own”.  Mr Lonely.

The American baseball star from earlier is back and he is hitting TK up for some painkillers for his phantom problems. TK sends him up to the ward and Sarah and Roimata engage in some squabbling about how TK should best be spending his time; following up with celebrity patients or putting on his fancy pants for his big engagement bash. Roimata seems to have dropped the passive aggressive martyr crap from before and is now going for the openly aggressive route. A character arc.

Vasa is mooning all over the various sets in love with Murray and torn between the desire to stroke his deliciously smooth head and the desire not to be a home wrecking bitch. Murray is going over board with his Wendy wooing. Its all silver platter meals delivered to the staff room etc. Wendy should be worried- he is clearly fantasising about bending Vasa over the bar.

Oh yay, its a Shortland Street cast party scene! Roimata and TK are hosting an engagement bash and well, it’s going off! Callum is sad about losing his job but brought a bottle of wine, Tracey might be knocked up based on her weird food behaviour and is rambling on about how TK loves Sarah and Bella promises that later on Muzza and Wendy are coming! ROCK ON GUYS. That weird music that plays at everyone’s house is droning on. You know the one. Sounds like the stuff you hear when you are waiting for an invasive internal exam.

Wendy and Murray stumble into ED for no real reason and Vasa drops the bomb that she is quitting her job. Her daily sexy encounters with married-to-Wendy Murray are taking their toll on her sassy spirit and she is off to greener pastures. You know who I would like to see her with? Recently unemployed silver fox Callum.

Brooke tells Shane Tucker that she has fired Winston and that he was blackmailing Callum and that’s how Winston got approval for the hospital to spend money on him accompanying Brooke to her Korean tour. Shane is all “nup sorry babe, Winston must have paid out of his own adorable pocket” and Brooke is all “what is wrong with that weirdo!?” Turns out he also paid for her mother’s lawyer. He really is unhinged. But his skin is amazing.

Brooke calls Winston into her office and asks him why he is being such a freak. He tells her it’s just because she rocks and that’s what people who rock deserve. At one point he drops to his knees. It’s weird. And so Brooke takes him back on the condition that he stop grovelling at her feet and try to act like a normal human being. A happy resolution for a creepy guy.

That angry American fancy guy is all bent out of shape about not getting his bad drugs. He’s all “yo! gimme drugs bitches” etc. Sarah is all “dude, you have to chill out, okay?” and he demands that TK “get’s his lazy ass down here” immediately, if not sooner. Sarah relents and calls Teeks.

Roimata answers the call and is openly infuriated with her. TK is all “okay babe, I will come and talk to this dick about his pain meds”. Roimata is all “OH NO YOU DON’T” and she immediately dominates TK and whips him in front of the entire hospital staff and Callum.

Back at angry guy central Sarah recieves a text authored by Roimata  saying that TK won’t be joining her as he has a fiancee to bone. Sarah then immediately proceeds to enrage the angry guy, advancing on him with a syringe when angry guy pushes her into the bed RIGHT INTO HER BABY BUMP! Sarah is all

and she slumps to the ground, her fetus in mortal danger.

And let’s be honest, it’s like that saying how a gun revealed in the first act will be fired by the third.  Except in this case, a pregnant woman introduced on Shortland Street is gonna get hit in the stomach within a few months.

ENDD

It takes me like an hour and a half to write each of these entries.  TVNZ, because it hates me, has decided to prolong my suffering:  it’s brought back hour-long Monday episodes. This can only be interpreted as a personal slight.

LAST TIME ON SHORTLAND STREET Ula, who is 15 and under Nicole’s care, drank wine and got chatted up by some scumbag in a bar. Maxwell got angry with Nicole.

Tonight, Nicole’s acting like some weird bitch about this whole thing.  Like, she’s in a completely indefensible position.  You can’t take a 15 year old girl to a bar, buy her alcohol, and leave her to smoke and get chatted up by some weird guy.  She’s completely wrong in every possible way, but she gets real steamin mad at Maxwell regardless?  Got no time for that.

OK, a full hour of Shortland Street coverage is going to be excruciating, so I’m going to skip vast swathes of this episode again.  Callum is very enamoured with this hilariously voluptuous sales rep woman, who wants to sell him a laser:

weirdly, that is not the only file labelled “luscious.png” on my hard drive

Anyway, she wants him to buy an expensive laser.  Gabrielle wants him to buy the expensive laser.  Sensing an opportunity, DHB Shane approves the purchase of the expensive laser, and then goes around being like “Callum has bought an expensive laser because he wants to stick it to the sales rep” to everyone who’ll listen.  This takes up about half the episode.  So: Callum has bought an expensive laser, is boning a laser sales rep.  Everyone thinks she is doing him “special favours”.

Ula’s real sulky because Maxwell was like “you’re 15 you shouldn’t be drinking and smoking in bars and talking to scumbags”. 

LASER SCENE

At Callum’s suggestion, Murray has bought Wendy some lingerie, and he is waving it about in the bar so everyone knows exactly the kind of thing Murray wants to see his beautiful wife wearing when he sticks it to her:

Vasa comes in and she’s like “mate she’ll look like a skank” and offers to go out and buy Wendy sexy lingerie for him.  Well, this is bloody weird.

LASER SCENE

man why does the Crime and Investigation channel constantly use the Twin Peaks music?

OK, so that scumbag that Ula was drinking with at the bar is scheming with Regan.  Their foolproof plan:  Steal some wood.  That’s their end game.  Owning some wood.

Then Maxwell comes over and apologises to Nicole for being a shitty caregiver?  Unacceptable.

LASER CONFERENCE

Vasa has returned to the IV with the lingerie she selected for Murray to nail Wendy in.  Then they look into eachother’s eyes longingly because this show is real subtle

LASER CONFERENCE

In the hospital break room, Murray presents Wendy with the lingerie Vasa chose for her.  Because when you buy your gorgeous wife lingerie, obviously you want to give it to her in a place where absolutely all her workmates can see it.  Man, Murray’s kind of an exhibitionist, right?  Regardless, the gift don’t go down well:

way to go Vasa, you’ve screwed up again

That scumbag guy goes over to Maxwell’s house for some reason, I don’t know why, and immediately sets about demanding Ula makes him a coffee.  It’s the perfect beginning to the fairlytale relationship to top Wills and Kate (Diana RIP)

LASER CONFERENCE

Murray’s gone over to Vasa’s place to do some handyman work/indulge in some more simmering sexual tension.  He comes in the door already wearing his toolbelt – did he put the toolbelt on before he left his house and drive to Vasa’s place while wearing it?  Or did he put it on once he was out of the car?  So many questions in this episode.  Hidden depths.  That’s why I love Shortland Street. 

Anyway, Vasa, real in character, starts acting all stupid and flustered because that’s how people act when they have crushes on balding middle-aged men.  But I mean she’s still way more of a babe than Wendy could ever hope to be, so he’d be stupid not to stick it to her right now, right?

Over at Ula’s house, things are getting real hot and heavy.

Actual dialogue:

Scumbag guy: Nice coffee.

Ula:  Would you like another one?

Scumbag guy: I like your eyes.

Really wish my life was this poetic.  Also it’s pretty great how the actor they have for this scumbag character is  this real nerdy looking guy, making for a creepy uncomfrotable juxtaposition between his “trashy asshole” aesthetic and his gentle, tender soul

well actually he kind of looks like he should be wheeled around by his mum somewhere or toiling over clockwork or sucking on a 50 cent coin or whatever

As Murray continues his handyman jobs at Vasa’s house, the camera lingers on this weird shot of him bending over.  What was the point of that?  Am I supposed be all “phwoar I love that”?  I made a big mistake covering this episode.  Anyway, after more awkward, incredibly unnatural “wacky banter” they finally get around to making out.

Actual dialogue:

Murray:  This isn’t good.

Vasa:  It’s bad.

Murray:  It’s real bad.

Somewhere in New Zealand, a struggling playwright just gave up on his dreams, knowing he will never pen dialogue of the same calibre as this.

But, regardless of how “real bad” the situation is, they continue to make out anyway.  Mid kiss they start bobbing around for some reason.  It’s bloody weird.  Regan spies them in the middle of this chilling love-waltz and is like “hey there’s really no reason why I’m here except for shitty plot purposes” and Murray’s like “DON’T TELL ANYONE I BOB ABOUT WHEN I AM KISSING OK???”

LASER CONFERENCE UPDATE: Voluptuous sales rep kisses Callum on the cheek and instantly regrets it:

she is kind of a babe though?  Not literally. She’s definitely at least 35.

Ula and that scumbag guy (I have worked out that his name is Holden) are indulging in a hot text conversation:

So she sneaks out to CUM OVR to Holden’s house.  god damn

hey has anyone noticed that Rachel is like five feet tall?  It’s ridiculous.  She’s like a little gremlin.

LASER SCENE

Murray’s clearly feelin real bummed about the fact that he made out with Vasa, so he makes Wendy this shitty meal in the hospital break room.  Then Bella pops in and starts talking about how she owns crotchless underwear (I am not joking that actually happens)

Ula gets busted coming home from getting nailed by Holden.  Worth it.

LASER SCENE

hey I saw Gabrielle on the street on Friday night.  It was a lot like watching Shortland Street, if Shortland Street took place on Courtenay Place with drunk assholes vomiting in the gutter and stuff (pro tip for writers:  get onto it!)

LASER SCENE

Want to make a compilation video of every time someone says “laser” in this episode

Jasmine gives Ula a sweet alibi for how she boned Holden last night.  Ula’s like some kind of Machiavellian mastermind, I think.  With a bean-shaped head.  Bean-head Machiavelli.

Hey, I know you’ve been waiting for this hot news:  Murray and Wendy are going to go for a picnic

LASER SCENE.  Chris uses the words “get laid”

Holden’s over at Ula’s place, and Ula’s wearing her best corporate outfit to celebrate.  Then Vasa comes over and is like “hey babe let’s go see a movie or some bullshit” and Ula’s like “nah I’m gonna bone this scumbag instead” and Vasa’s like “mate I been almost boning some scumbag too” and it’s pretty great

LASER SCENE

LASER SCENE

Murray and Vasa talk about how bad they want to bone eachother, but then Murray gets a call from Wendy, who he calls “Bendy”, possibly unintentionally.  Vasa walks off WOOOOOOO

LASER SCENE

LASER SCENE

CRAZY EYES

Vasa’s hilariously pissed off at Maxwell and Nicole for Ula being a useless shitty waste of everyone’s time.  Uh, I hope this is going somewhere

LASER SCENE:  OK, I think it’s time I revisit the laser scene storyline.  DHB Shane’s plan has worked, and everyone’s saying Callum decided to buy the laser so he could stick it to the sales rep.  So, Chris, Rachel and DHB Shane sit around talking about how useless Callum is and how they should fire him, ostensibly replacing him with Rachel.

So, this is what is happening:  Chris, who currently sticks it to Rachel, wants to get rid of Callum, who used to stick it to Rachel, because he is now sticking it to the voluptuous sales rep.  Meanwhile, DHB Shane, who is sticking it to Gabrielle, who used to stick it to Chris, who is now sticking it to Rachel, who used to stick it to Callum, also wants Callum gone (does Shane want to stick it to Callum?).  Ideally, the whole lot should be fired for being a bunch of incestuous weirdos and constantly enjoying eachother’s sloppy seconds

Murray and Wendy prepare for their exciting picnic, and Vasa’s like “nah you can’t go on the picnic” and Wendy’s like “nah I’m going anyway”.  Then, in a very exciting piece of foreshadowing, Vasa says to Wendy “enjoy your sunny day while it lasts” OHHHHH

Over in Callum’s office, DHB Shane, Chris and Rachel stride in wearing suits and are like “Callum you’re getting rolled”.  Is that how hospitals really operate?  Can you actually, by sheer force of numbers, eliminate a hospital CEO? Regardless, Callum’s out.  Replacing him is not Rachel, as expected, however – DHB Shane has decided he’ll step in.  Wait.  Can an employee of the DHB (which, by the way, is elected by the public) just decide to abandon the board and install himself as the chief executive of a hospital?  Is that really how this works?  What the hell is happening here?  Jesus, our health system needs some sorting out, and fast.

Oh, that’s our show.

LAST NIGHT: Quite a few things happened really: Hunter was a bitch to Jill, told her that all she does as a nurse is “take temperatures and smile”, Jill then tipped his rice dinner all over his notes on diseases and stuff. Jasmine admitted to chucking rocks through Vasa and Ula’s window and Vasa and Murray bonded over their shitty children. Man I hope they have a sordid affair! Just imagine the babies! Sarah dropped the bomb on TK that she loves him and wants him to kick pesky Roimata to the curb BUT TK, instead of making pregnant love to her right on top of his desk marched home and proposed to Roimata who said no. But then she said yes and seduced him all sexy like.

PHEW

TONIGHT: Roimata and TK float into ED all newly engaged and giggly. Maxwell and Tracey are all “babe! congrats! such a sparkler!” etc and Sarah waddles over and is all “OH HEY GUYS. ITS NOT VERY GOOD TO HAVE A BABY WITH ONE WOMAN AND MARRY ANOTHER” and then she calls herself “the elephant in the room” and no one disagrees.

The elephant then throws a pen at them and plods over to the other side of ED, the room I like to call “the crying room” where she screws up her face and weeps dumpy elephant tears. Tracey comes in and is all “aw hun!” and Sarah grabs her belly and is all “the baby is upset! waaah”. In the other room Roimata shows off her big ring and renacts her sensual seduction of TK to a captive audience.

A few minutes later TK tries to make nice with Sarah but she is all “no, I am NOT okay, dick” and then she makes googly eyes at him which he wisely ignores

Turns out that Jasmine hates Ula so much that she wants to switch schools. Which we know she can’t do since there is only one Ferndale High and more than one high school set would be out of the budget. Have you seen the Shortland Street spread in New Idea? It’s amazing, Phoenix looks like a wax figurine and the bizarrely cobbled together bunch look a bit like a Lord of the Rings still- half giants and the rest minute. A wonder of photoshop.

Anyway, because Jasmine hates Ula so much Wendy tasks Murray with somehow magically fixing their teen feud. Murray comes up with the idea of making them bake a cake together. Okay?

Because all the ovens in Ferndale have apparently broken down, Murray and Vasa whisper and fawn at each other in an attempt to “make their kids” bond.

Sexy Vasa can’t keep her eyes off Murray’s goods

They HAVE to get together! That would be a great drama- if Ula and Jasmine had to live together

Hunter, all roided out on his bad medicines is busy kicking arse on his rounds with Chris, and in his mad overconfident high he demands that Jill accompany him on a hot date. Later, predictably, he crashes as a result of royticin withdrawal and falls asleep on the couch leaving Jill to blue-ball it all night. God damned Hunter and his boring med school drama/skin like wax.

Over at Vasa’s Ula and Jasmine are icing cupcakes. They are now friends again, Vasa is some kind of teen negotiator. Send that woman to the Beehive! Honestly, in the span of three minutes they have gone from “I hope you choke on the cake we bake” and “I despise you, you vapid whore” to “see you tomorrow kay?” and “at school, yeah babe! text me so I know you get home safe, alright?” etc.

Vasa continues her new “holding on to anger is bad” personality and makes Wendy and her grudges look bad. Murray is impressed with Vasa’s people skills, he would like to experience her Murray skills, of which she no doubt has many.

In ED Sarah and some other pregnant gal bond over their dual fetuses. Do you know that some dogs, like pomeranians, have evolved to resemble fetal wolves so that people love them and look after them? And once there lived giant sloths, and they were as big as trees!

Once I saw one in a documentary slap a sabre toothed tiger to death

Sarah and the fetus woman chat and Sarah finds out that the woman and the fetus are getting abused at home She helps organise the woman’s escape and heads off to call the auntie of the woman and fetus. TK is all pissed off at Sarah for spending so long gabbin about morning sickness and raging libidos and demands that Sarah hurry the hell up and send the pregnant lady packing. Sarah is all “I am helping her with personal problems you arse” and TK is all “oh right, a pregnant chick with personal problems- you know who else has a baby in them and personal problems? oh yeah, that’s you Sarah- stop using ED as sad lady group therapy and get that lady out of my ED” Sarah is all “oh shut up, seriously” and storms out

“F

UCK YOU TK”

TK wanders back into the ED and promptly boots the lady with a baby out “AND NEVER COME BACK”

At reception Brodie is gossiping with Roimata and doing some weird american drag queen accent thing and telling her that he could organise a wedding reception  at the IV (WHERE ELSE!?) Sarah, because she is a maniac, butts in and is all “oh its been there done that for TK, you might want to try something else, honey”. Roimata is all “um, well thanks you freak, I’ll take that into consideration” and walks off smug in the knowledge that she’ll be the one handcuffing TK to the bed tonight.

In the staff room Wendy is busy being an awful shrew when Murray shows up and is all “have a cupcake babe, made it in Vasa’s oven, eh”. Wendy starts to throw a bitch fit when Murray shuts her up with a big sloppy smooch. He’s thinking of Vasa though, and to be honest who wouldn’t be?

Finally Sarah stalks back into ED and confronts TK about kicking poor old pregnant lady out on the mean streets. It rapidly turns into a googly eyed slagging back between the two

culminating in Sarah quitting her job wishing she could travel back in time and not be in love with TK anymore. TK sighs and gears up for 20+ years of this kind of crap.