ferndale's blog

Last night on Shortland Street:

Tonight we open with Rachel giving Harry a good old fashioned telling off. He is all “whatever” and she is all “hey buddy you are GROUNDED for two weeks AND you are paying the excess for the car and also the broken window MR” and Harry is all “yeah Dad will pay you when he gets back woman, my daddy is RICH AND I AM SPOILT”.

Rachel is like “nah, you gotta learn some responsibilty buster, least you become just like uncle Isaac” although she doesn’t say that. She should though. Isaac is the Warner family cautionary tale.

Evan and Phoenix are also there and Wendy disciplines Evan and Phoenix gets grounded too. It is quite the injustice too since Phoenix is the only member of the Warner family who thinks of anyone but himself. This is due, I think, to his lucky break of living out his formative years far, far away from the Warner riches and the caviar lollipops.

Daniel is now poor and in desperate need of money having lost his orderly job. He is on the phone trying to get a job but, unsurprisngly, doesn’t get the job/in the course after saying “Well the reason I didn’t finish the course was because I knew more than the teachers”. Sophie proposes that she can just pay for his stuff and I for one would be saying “HELL YES” but he is too proud and is all “nah babe”. Sophie reminds us all that she is RICH RICH RICH and Daniel and Sophie snap at each other again. THE CRACKS ARE SHOWING YOU GUYS.

Looks like Roimata’s dad is in town and her dad is played by a famous man, George Henare. He is like,  real famous and distinguished and has an OBE. He is pretty good. He brings some much needed gravitas and likeability to the Street. Also, he is oddly attractive. Like silver fox handsome.

Anyway, he is in town to do some important Dr speeches as well as to snoop on Roimata and make her life difficult. Roimata doesn’t want TK to meet papa because, as earlier established, TK represents the holy grail of every Maori father’s dream. Roimata doesn’t want to marry TK but if dear old daddy sets eyes on TK then it is all over, really.

Rachel has to do some more child rearing of that idiot Harry. He calls her a cow and I hate him. Harry sucks.

Roimata and her dad are hanging out chatting with Jill at the hospital cafe and her dad is awesome. He is very charming. Not in the TK way of all overly grinning and smug, in the geniunely looks like a nice person way.

Oh good, this mannequin head storyline is still going. Roimata carries it around with her and I still dont’ really understand why? Also, TK meets Roimata’s dad but daddy doesn’t know that TK is THE BOYFRIEND. TK keeps trying to get a date with her dad but Roimata is playing hard to get on the dad front.

Daniel is trying to sell Callum some kind of broken pump machine? He has taken it from the hospital via Vasa and tries to convince Callum that he should pay him $100 each to fix each machine. Callum is like “no because you aren’t actually a qualified machine fixer”.

So Harry is like a total dick. He has replaced Rachel’s very expensive perfume with toilet cleaner. Harry is all “you’re evil” etc etc and Rachel bans him from playing soccer.

They need Supernanny! She would teach that little prick a lesson. “That is unasseptabul”.

I have never wanted Rachel to succeed more than I do now- I want that child RUINED.

Roimata and papa are at the I.V having a secret dinner, far away from TK who is, by the way, having noodles. Dad lets her know that actually he doesn’t really want her knocked up and married to TK and so that storyline is resolved? Roimata texts TK and the noodles are OFF!TK and dad chat about rugby and then start politics but Roimata is a controlling lady and demands a change of topic. Roimata lets TK know that she lied to him earlier about dad being away and papa and TK and everyone laugh about what a loser Roimata was when she was little. GOOD TIMES.

Daniel and Sophie enjoy their awful relationship some more and Sophie manages to turn Daniel’s woes into potential blog fodder “Daniel, my blogs are about telling the truth” (about those stupid pump machines wasting taxpayers money). God, her blog would be worse than mine.

Harry sucks up to Rachel  with a cup of tea (poisoned?) and then demands to play soccer again. Rachel is like “no, you need to be a much better person before you get that privelage” and if I were Rachel I would leave him at a police station while Chris was away.

TK and Roimata are hanging out in front of the hospital, TK is acting all cliched and Roimata laps it up. They make out and TK knocks that stupid dummy head out of her bag and into the street. He’s all “maybe its a sign, I’m the only man for you” and THEN A CAR SPEEDS UP and it runs RIGHT OVER that stupid dummy and Roimata is all “oh” AND THEN SARAH GOD DAMNED POTTS gets out of the car! She has a sassy new haircut and she is KNOCKED UP!!!!!

I will admit, I am pretty excited! TK is all “oh man! I made a baby inside her and now I am with Roimata and now I am all torn and stuff!”

and we end our episode!

YES! GOOOOD ENDING! I can genuinely tell you that I am actively excited about this! I have drunk like seven drinks BUT I think this is unrelated!

Tomorrow on Shortland Street: Sarah is all “I am 19 weeks impregnated! It’s yours!” and TK is all “IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME?” and Sarah is all “I LOVE YOU!” or something.

You know what? The theme music to County Calendar is incredible.

Also, I am real sorry.  I’m totally not “on my game” tonight.  Though, I mean, I’m writing about Shortland Street on the internet.  I should probably get points for trying.  Or not.  I don’t know.

Anyway.  LAST TIME on Shortland Street, Brodie was like “if I miss a repayment I lose the bar”, then Bella used the awesome power of bubbles to make him fall down some stairs and hurt himself so bad he can’t work

Tonight’s episode opens with Harry cruelly playing videogames while Phoenix does the dishes.  I’m happy to see Rachel takes the same approach to step-parenting as she does to hospital managment:  be a cold-hearted bitch about everything

though I mean, to be fair, Harry is a massive prick too.  I don’t normally hate on 10-year-olds, but I have absolutely no patience for that little asshole

Over at TK’s house, Shavaughn from What Now is entertaining herself (and nobody else) by putting various hats on a mannequin’s head. Then she makes TK take a photo of herself kissing said plastic head. Then a phone rings, leading the head to fall into a box of stuff TK plans on selling in a jumble sale.  I got more depressed with every word of that last sentence.

Is Brodie in blackface or something?

He helpfully reminds us that if he doesn’t work he won’t get paid, and therefore will lose his bar.  Because, as we all know, things like “ACC” or “sick pay” are fabulous illusions, not actual things that really exist.

Uh, wasn’t Rachel really intent on Evan being like, executed or something for burning down that shithole flat she owned?  Now he comes over to her house and she’s all “oh hey how bout you go to the park babe”.  Meanwhile, Harry’s still a little jerk.  It was a total dick move of Chris, by the way, to leave Rachel with his children, knowing full well what pricks they are

Excruciating scene with TK and Ula talking about mannequin head, somehow resulting in dead-eyed Jill stealing it.  Deep sigh.

Brodie wants to discharge himself from hospital so he can go back to work in the bar, Vasa’s like:

That little jerk Harry, rather than trimming hedges (which seems like a bizarre job for a 10-year-old to do) has gone to play soccer with Evan and Phoenix.  But because he’s useless at everything he does, he winds up smashing a window.  Rachel gets angry at him. This scene is like really awkward and it’s kind of haunting

oh man I love Vasa, she’s probably my second favourite character on this show after Bella. 

whole bunch of mannequin head-related scenes in a row, also Brodie’s snuck out of hospital.  I mean, when everyone who works at the hospital knows you because you run the only bar in town, it’s probably not a good idea to unlawfully discharge yourself.

In mannequin news, Jill has taken the mannequin head and dressed it up to look like Mark Twain.  She then uses it in the most obnoxious way imaginable to help Hunter study, or something:

Shavaughn from What Now pops in is like “hands off my mannequin head” guhhhhhh

uh my computer froze again, another couple of minutes lost.  Probably it was about either mannequin heads or disruptive 10-year-olds, so I doubt we’ve missed much

Oh good, at a delightful picnic lunch, Shavaughn from What Now plays this sweet trick on TK and it’s revealed the mannequin head has been reunited with its rightful owners.  New Zealand can sleep well tonight!

Then they do this kind of truly revolting kiss:

Brodie’s hopped up on opiates and delivering some oddly surreal service to Callum at the bar. Bored of that, he interrupts Murray and Wendy’s romantic sitting down time by vomiting next to them:

So inconsiderate.  He could have vomited anywhere he liked, but right next to Wendy?  Dick move, Brodie.

Phoenix and Evan are strolling through their well-to-do suburb when they come across Harry, who’s inexplicably just chillin’ in Rachel’s car, listening to some hilariously bad fake rap music.  Harry’s real steamed about Rachel being mean to him, but honestly he’s been nothing but a jerk himself

Jesus, I hate that little scumbag.

In a desperate to prove how mature he is (really), Harry decides to take Phoenix and Evan for a drive in Rachel’s car, hopefully setting us up for maybe a death or at least a real sweet explosion.  Man, I’m pumped.  Anything to get me out of brutally banal doledrum that is this episode.

But just as things get sweet, we get cut to this inexplicably lengthy scene of Rachel talking to an unnamed person (Chris?) on the phone about the hot storylines of the day.  It’s kind of like the writers were like “well yeah, we just wasted half an hour of your time with some bullshit about a mannequin head and a  10-year-old, but we actually have other plots going on”.  Except it’s really boring and oddly out of place, and getting in the way of valuable car-crash time.

And Jesus, what a god damned anticlimax that was.  No deaths.  Probably no damage.  Harry revs the car for like 10 seconds, then reverses it into another car about about 15kmh.  Rachel’s angry. End.

Christ.  Feeling real nihilistic after watching tonight’s episode.  What’s the point of anything?  I have no idea why I bother.

Okay so the last time on Shortland Street uncle Garth had a big stroke or something, TK saved him DESPITE the ED being shut, Isaac stuck up for TK and shamed Callum, Isaac felt guilty because he yelled at Garth before the stroke, Ula continued to push for a love affair between Vasa and Nicole and finally Maxwell returned from somewhere with a brand new haircut and made out with Nicole in an open doorway where, unbeknownst to them, Ula saw the two, freaked out and ran off.

Tonight: Bella runs into Isaac in the hospital corridors and gives him a piece of her mind. She tells him that he is totally selfish and that the money that he keeps saying is his inheritance is actually money earned by someone else who just happened to be unfortunate enough to be related to him. She then tells him that Garth is old and just might die so he had better go make up with him. She is pretty great. Maybe my favourite character. The thing is, Isaac would probably be a much better person if he were genuinely in a relationship with Bella because unlike Brooke, who enables his terrible qualities, Bella might actually cajole him into being a satisfactory human being.

Ula visits Vasa at work, brings her a muffin and tells her about Nicole and Maxwell’s mutual lust. Vasa plays it cool but you can see the fury ragin’

Luke is back and he is ready to do some putting people to sleep again. He manages to avoid answering any questions posed to him by Rachel and Callum about the whole druggie thing and his silence makes him seem as though he was on the bad drugs but is now off them. He is a cunning man.

Maxwell and Nicole are hotting it up through reception, Nicole is going to go tell Vasa about her mounting of Maxwell but SHE ALREADY KNOWS. Also, I can see Nicole’s back/shoulder bones. Is that normal?

Suddenly Vasa turns up and she is all “I need to talk to you, bitch”

Nicole tries to explain herself but Vasa won’t listen to a bar of it. She does the Vasa glare and storms off leaving Nicole all bewildered and boney.

It seems that Isaac has been shown the light because he is at the bedside of Uncie Garth reminiscing about days gone by and what a complete prat he was and still is. For what it’s worth he now wants to stop being such a selfish dick and Garth would like that too.

New teen couple Ula and Phoenix are at their favourite spot, Sugar, and are discussing the basics of bisexuality. Maxwell shows up and Phoenix is all “oh! Ula has something to tell you!” and leaves although he pronounces her name as “Ew-la” instead of the canonical “Oo-la”. Actually, I have no idea how to explain how to say “Ula” maybe “Ula” is accurate enough. Oh god, the excrutiating minutiae. Anyway, Ula tells Maxwell that his new girlfriend was naked on a couch with his ex-wife. What a weird father/daughter conversation.

Bella seems to have done a complete 180 turn on her personality since she started on the show, or maybe I am just warming to her. I am generally a terrible judge of character so it is likely. Either way she is now a wise and soulful creature instead of the irriatating mess I took her for when she started for now she is comforting old man Warner at his bedside.

She tells Garth that maybe Isaac should be given his inheritance, just to teach him a lesson in learning to be happy with what he’s got or something. She should adopt Garth as her Grandad or something, they get along too good to waste!

In the staff room Isaac apologises to Bella even going as far as kissing her right on her noggin. She lets slip that old Garth will probably give Isaac the money and Isaac is chuffed.

Maxwell drags Ula into the hospital cafe to visit Nicole and to seriously shame Ula out by making her ask Nicole about sexing it with her mum. Once Ula’s story is debunked by Nicole she is allowed to leave, tail between her legs.

Maxwell goes to visit Vasa and tell her to stop being such a bitch to Nicole. Of course Vasa doesn’t take this well and instead does the Vasa thing and is all sassy and glarey.

She also says that since Nicole is bisexual she is “two faced from the start”. Hmmmm.

Luke and Bella have a beautiful reunion in reception where Bella tells Luke about Isaac’s inheritance and presumably about Uncle Garth. Luke decides the best plan of action is to visit the old man in his hospital bed and tell him what a piece of crap his nephew is. Uncle Garth receives the news pretty well and it is a testiment to how little respect and trust he must have in his nephew that he immediately believes Luke, a stranger, and his wild tales of morphine nasal spray and serbian gangsters. Luke however has an attack of conscience and regrets burdening a potentially dying old man with this information and leaves when Isaac arrives. Garth then tells Isaac what a terrible person he is and regrets all the way the family raised him up so bad. Take note Chris, this is where that little creep Harry is heading if he stays on the same path.

Luke is enjoying a nice dinner for one at the I.V when Isaac arrives, pays for Luke’s meal (?) then starts yelling at him. They take the fight into the romantic courtyard where Isaac says that he is totally going to sabotage the hell out of Luke and Luke is all “whatever! You GOT NOTHING ON ME” and Isaac is all “who’s going to believe you, you drug fiend! Me and Brooke are god damned DOCTORS, actually Brooke is in KOREA right now she is a GENIUS”. Luke is all

and he immediately calls her resarch out for being stolen.

Isaac starts freaking out and does what any normal person would do: begins ripping his shirt up, screaming and promptly smashes his own head into a concrete wall.

He is bleeding all over the place when Murray shows up and restrains Luke who is all “oh man, not again!”.

I should hope this would be quickly solved by security camera footage, but knowing how these things go I assume the recording would be broken/Isaac would wipe it/Brodie would have forgotten to set it up or something.

END EPISODE!

Last night on Shortland Street: Daniel was fired by Callum, Bella dumped Isaac and Brooke stole research data for her important meeting with the important people.

Also, it seem that the wolfpack have moved back into that deathtrap firezone apartment. Happily they report there is “no sign of smoke damage or rot!”. That is pretty surprising given the big fire that occured there almost resulting in baked Callum. Also, it seems that Daniel doesn’t just jump all over other people’s furniture, he also leaps all over his own. Maybe this is an attempt by Ido Drent to put some inner motivation and backstory behind Daniel?: he’s the kind of guy who just loves to jump on furniture. Wait! He does it again! He lies on the couch, yells his lines then hops back over the sofa to join in the conversation. That’s two couch jumps in ten seconds!

Also, Congrats Caley Martin!

Hunter is really keen to hold a hot party so that Brodie can find another lady to bone and Daniel is really excitable too screaming “yeah everybody will spill beer and the place will smell NORMAL AGAAAAAIN”

I tried to catch him mid yell but after viewing the same five second bit about 25 times I gave up, having learnt that a) nothing is worth watching that much Ido Drent and b) Ido Drent functions on one of approximately three settings, making funny yelpy exclamation noises which denote disbelief or frustration, screaming, and saying ‘babe’ while macking on Sophie. I tell you, once you start noticing it becomes impossible to watch a Daniel scene without being distracted by his regular weird noises.

Meanwhile, it is breakfast time over at TK’s place where he has cooked up roughly 12 eggs and has prepared them for Roimata and Brooke. Brooke is too busy being an evil genius to eat though and rejects TK’s eggies and his praise about her stolen research.

Roimata convinces her to stay and bask in their praise and enjoy the goodness of eggs for breakfast. It’s all very exciting.

At Sugar Ula tells Phoenix that since Vasa is always such a stone cold bitch with no time on her hands, she, Ula that is, is going to somehow hook her up with Nicole since Ula is now totally on board the whole sudden Vasa-could-be-a-lesbian storyline. Wacky comedy ensue!

Over at reception everyone is gabbin’ about Brooke’s asthma research. Isaac in particular is entranced with her deception and furiously hits on her in front of Bella who makes sounds like a sad cat and runs off full of self loathing and regret. Brooke asks Isaac if he has to be such a miserable dick and he’s like “yeah”.

In the staff room Bella is all freaking out about how she broke Brodie’s heart of gold and Jill is doing her best to meddle them back together. She has inexplicably strong feelings about Brodie and Bella boning again.

Fellow romantic meddler Ula is hanging out in the hospital cafe. Man her life is bleak, just roaming between various hospital food and beverage suppliers in her school uniform trying to find her mum a woman to love. 

HEY! Check out who is hanging out in the background of this shot! It’s those young revolutionaries from the TK protest! I wonder what manifesto they are working on now?

Ula meets up with Nicole and tricks her into being part of her “food tech” assignment. Ula will show up to Nicole’s house and cook her a vege lasagna. Ula then quizzes Nicole on whether she is ready for a new lady love and, after acting like a creepy weirdo, abruptly leaves. Based on this exchange Roimata declares that Ula must have it bad for Nicole and want more than just vegetable lasagna tonight. WACKY COMEDY CONTINUES!

That ugly gargoyle guy from the DHB or whatever shows up in Chris and Rachel’s office and starts asking the hard questions about Brooke’s research. Chris basically throws her under the bus while Rachel desperately tries to keep the hospital looking good. It’s a pretty boring scene and I won’t elaborate on it any further.

Nicole and Ula board a lift where Ula asks Nicole when she realised she was a lesbian “or bi, or whatever”. Nicole is all “oh, you like the ladies too yeah?” and Ula is all “ew! no! I like BOYS! BOYS! BOYS! BOYS!”. Nicole then tells her to invite Phoenix over for dinner but Ula, who is still trying to create favourable lesbian love vibes for her mum and tells Nicole that Phoenix is busy tonight being ignored by his father and bullied by his prick of a brother.

Immediately Nicole finds herself in the path of Phoenix who it is revealed is not busy at all but totally free to awkwardly fawn over Ula. Phoenix is actually pretty cute. He seems like a nice boy, by far the nicest character on this show anyway. RUN WHILE YOU CAN PHOENIX, long stays in Ferndale result in either a long and exhausting career at the hospital or untimely death. Anyway, Nicole forces him to come to the vege lasagna dinner party and Ula’s sapphic plans begin to fray at the edges.

The grotty flat party is in full swing and Jill convinces Bella that she should get back with Brodie based on Jill’s psychic card reading. Bella is further encouraged by Sophie and Daniel making up after their blog based fight. Ah, young love. Makes you sick.

Over at Nicole’s, old love is potentially progressing? Ula forces Phoenix to go to the movies with her so Vasa and Nicole can have some alone time. Nicole is very, very small. Like a tiny bird wearing a wig.

At the seriously bleak party Bella has followed Brodie into his room where she declares her love for him and her desire to become one again. She wants to know why he lied though and Brodie, because he loves to drag out storylines FOREVER tells her they can’t be together. Bella runs out of the party in a blaze of gangly adorableness and tears but not before yelling at Jill (finally someone gives her a piece of their mind) and telling her, and her stupid psychic reading cards, to stay the hell out of her life.

Oh Bella. I just want to give her a foot rub and a hot chocolate.

In Brooke’s exam room she is busily stealing people’s research when that ugly guy and Callum stride in and drop the bomb on her: She is off to “Seoul, South Korea” to meet with some industry bigwigs to work out how to solve asthma! OH BROOKE! WHAT HAVE YOU GOT YOURSELF INTO!?

HIIII

LAST TIME ON SHORTLAND STREET, TK, Tracey, Daniel, Shavaughn from What Now held a sweet meeting in the cafe to protest managment.  It was exclusively attended by 15-year-old girls, weirdly enough.  The meeting is so big it nearly kills a guy. Callum gets in a grump.

Also, check out the security guard’s incredibly rad aesthetic:

Today, Callum gets in a serious grump with TK, Tracey, Daniel, Shavaughn from What Now. While he’s talking, Sophie, who’s a serious journalist, is furiously scribbling down notes in the background:

and I mean, I don’t wanna have to do this, but I really take exception to this.  One: hospital staff getting a disciplinary meeting probably isn’t a news story.  Two:  it’s a conflict of interest to write a story about your dad. Three: If you’re going to stand around taking up space for a “hot scoop” probably THE MIDDLE OF A HOSPITAL EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT isn’t the best spot to do that.  Four:  She isn’t a journalist, she writes a shitty blog called “Talking the Truth”.  Takin’  em all on and lickin’ em good

Isaac is very bummed because he’s a sociopath, his plan to marry Bella and make millions failed and also he broke an ornament.  Brooke has her own ludicrous problems:  she’s supposed to present some research to some committee, but she doesn’t want to steal someone else’s work. 

I’m so glad they play Isaac and Brooke as semi-sympathetic characters, because it’s true: it’s so tough living off just a surgeon’s salary.  And it’s such a pain having to do your own work when you’ve accepted a research grant, you know?

Anyway, Chris strolls in and is like “oh yeah also some French team did your research first Brooke! LOL” and Isaac says what we’re all thinking and calls him smug, then takes out his anger by totally burning Brooke.  Jesus he’s good.

Hunter’s reading and breathing incredibly loudly, when Jill gives him some kind of shoulder rub.  Quite rightly, he responds with anger.  What a bitch! 

Wendy’s skin is the same colour as the wall:

oh yeah also they didn’t kill a guy with their teenage girl protest.  Just so you know.

TK’s worried that if Shavaughn from What Now gets fired from Shortland Street, they won’t see eachother anymore.  Fact:  it is possible to hold a relationship with someone who has a different job to you.

Rachel’s advice for Callum: “sack the lot of them”. She then outlines exactly how she’d fire everyone.  Jesus, what a horrible person she is.  I bet she votes ACT.

Brooke talks about asthma.  I don’t have asthma.  Once, I breathed through a straw for 10 minutes in a crude attempt to simulate an asthma attack, and it totally sucked.  Anyway, Isaac’s all “hey babe what u should do is steal someone else’s data eh?”

Over at medical school, Hunter is being lectured by angry Mark Twain:

Christ, wardrobe must have had a field day with that guy

Anyway, then it turns out god damn Jill’s sitting in on Hunter’s class.  The whole thing’s clearly meant to be all manic pixie dream girl wacky, but actually it comes off a bit stalkerish and creepy.  Also, there’s only like seven people in the class, so surely someone would be like “hey who’s that dead-eyed orange-skinned girl?”

Oh man Sophie’s a pretentious jerk.  Daniel’s like “hey babe” and she’s all “I CAN’T TALK I GOTTA GET THIS ONLINE BEFORE IT’S OLD NEWS”.  And I mean, I understand.  Sometimes you’ve just got to write about how your dad told off a group of hospital staff on your shitty blog, because if you don’t, someone else will, right?

Jill’s now passing Hunter notes in class.  Really juvenile.  Must be really annoying for everyone who’s in class to become a doctor and stuff.  Anyway, there’s this bizarre note-taking slapstick scene which ultimately results in angry Mark Twain professor insinuating to the entire class that Hunter’s gay and he likes to nail men.  Nothing worse than people thinking you’re gay.

Uh, Callum’s thinking of firing Tracey, blacklisting Shavaughn from What Now, Vasa’s less than happy about it:

Vasa’s voice is so rich and creamy

I’m glad that, as a practising surgeon, Isaac takes the same approach to medical research as Shortland Street writers take to jargon:  “just make some up”.  Brilliant.

In the disciplinary meeting that we’ve all been waiting for Callum sits back, adopts his fruitiest mannerisms and lets TK know that he’s cancelling around the clock ED staring TONITE

TK, Tracey, Shavaughn from What Now: safe. Daniel: fired.  Well, this was interesting

Not content to just uncomfortably follow Hunter to his classes, Jill’s started answering questions and stuff in class.  Professor Mark Twain, oddly enough, is not fazed in the slightest by this new anonymous, dead-eyed know-it-all.

Hey, it’s worth noting, the TVNZ synopsis for this episode says “Callum kills someone’s career”.  Pretty sure being an orderly isn’t a career for anyone except maybe the King of the Orderlies.  But then, he was born into nobility, so in his case it’s less a career, more a calling.  Hey remember how Daniel was real good at basically everything to do with computers?  Why was he an orderly in the first place?

Vasa in her rich, full and velvety smooth voice, offers Shavaughn from What Now a job. Then this happens:

looks like we’ll be seeing more of that gorgeous visage in weeks and hopefully years to come

Daniel “Asshole” Potts comes home and starts just totally ragging on Sophie’s shitty blog.  HE’S MOVIN OUT

Isaac acts like a total jerk at Bella right in front of Brooke, who  just must be all “oh this guy is so great he is my dream guy” because I mean, who wouldn’t love someone who tried to set up a sham marriage for millions, fail at that, and then encourage you to steal someone else’s hard-earned research, all the while complaining about how poor he is?  What a catch!

Brooke decides she’s taking the moral high-ground on this one and not steal data, then hints she kind of hates Isaac.  Or maybe I’m projecting onto a fictional soap-opera character, I don’t know.

Daniel goes over to TK’s house, and I think TK must be like drunk or something?  It’s the only way I can explain his rosy, slurred performance in this scene

Brooke tries to present her hot asthma research to a crew of besuited white men, but alas gargoyle guy is also present and just starts yelling like a total prick throughout the presentation.  Christ, what an asshole.  Brooke decides there’s only one way to shut his hideous face, and makes a last-minute decision to steal research, mid-presentation.  I am clearly missing some vital information in this scene.

crafty!

Okay so last night on Shortland Street TK made a dick of himself on TV and Brodie busted in on Isaac’s proposal to $4 million/Bella.

Tonight: Brodie is pretty darn smug about his sweet interruption of Bella’s magical moment. Bella meanwhile is all distraught and runs off confused. Isaac, for his part, fumes and storms around yelling that Brodie is a miserable dick who just can’t stand it that he is banging his ex girlfriend/current obsession. At the Newtown fair on Sunday my friend saw Brodie! He was “starstruck”. My sister saw old star “Toni” in the supermarket. And last month my cousin saw TK! The trifecta!

Anyway, Sophie is still running around set in inappropriate/90s outfits trying to desperately give her life some purpose.

She is still really jazzed about her blog being such a hit and Daniel uses the word “blogosphere”. Callum prances in and is all “man, I really took down TK tonight! Made him look like a total bitch on tv!” and I still don’t really understand why TK and Callum are fighting in the first place? Callum wants to cut ED or something so people are mad because now all the Ferndaleites will have to go to god forsaken Central for their midnight medical mysteries? I would probably support this actioning- Shortland Street is too full of staff dramas for the actual patients to have their needs met.

Regardless, TK, Roimata and Tracey and busy planning their revolution and Tracey looks about as pleased to be there as I would be.

TK suggests that they hold a meeting at Murray’s cafe tomorrow and that they will really get the troops fired up. Roimata is hesitant but TK is super keen on being the change he wants to see in the world and so he plows on, grinning and smirking all the way.

In the staff room Bella is all dressed up with no one to talk to but good old mama Wendy. Bella is all “argh what do I do? Do I marry him? I might love him? like 85% sure I do?” and Mama is all “me and Muzza, we were in it for life when we got hitched, yeah me and Muzza, a love for the ages” etc. Poor Bella the whole drama is taking its toll on her sexy looks

It has just occured to me that the Wendys are Shortland Street’s answer to the Weasleys except instead of being charming and fun they are all a bunch of dicks, except for Bella who was clearly adopted at birth and forced to dye her hair. No way someone so unique could be fruit of the womb of mama Wendy.

Back at Blog central Sophie is still making waves with her “talking the truth” blog and Daniel is really sick of walking the extra half a metre around the couch and has taken to just climbing on top of it. He is a guest in that house, that is not how a guest behaves. Manners, please!

Sophie has been writing about “babies with skyrocketing temperatures” and tells Daniel that she wants to get her Dad’s opinion too since “good journalists keep an open mind”. HEY SOPHIE GUESS WHAT? YOU ARE NOT A JOURNALIST. Anyway, Daniel convinces her to just post her stuff about imaginary babies with hot cheeks and to post her dad’s propaganda at another date. I see this backfiring.

At Chris’ mansion Isaac is busy trying to get that ring on Bella’s finger. She’s being all difficult though and tells him that it’s too soon and runs off in a blur of hot pink and ginger. Isaac, he doesn’t like this one bit and gets into quite the tizzy, hurling the ring and box at the wall and grunting in impotent rage before grabbing a perfectly innocent vase and smashing it on the floor.

This wanton destruction rouses Chris and Uncle Garth out from the broom closet and Uncle Garth yells “What the devil!?” and Isaac runs off leaving Garh and Chris baffled in their opera best amogst a pile of broken glass and broken dreams.

“Oh well Chris, best get back to the cupboard, that gold bullion won’t count itself”

We fade out to the ad break and there is this sweet “freaked out” music playing akin to when Scotty went crazed and tried to eliminate Tracey. Good work sound team!

In the hospital cafe the trio of Tracey, TK and Roimata are badgering Murray about the use of his establishment for their big revolutionary meeting, Tracey says that in the meeting they will “burn an effigy of Callum” and it is a little inappropriate since Murray’s son actually did burn real life Callum only a few months ago. Anyway, Murray agrees to the meeting and it’s all on! POWER TO THE PEOPLE! etc

Meanwhile Tracey and Roimata, on the advice of none other than Daniel, have decided to take patient information and utilise it to get some people to show up to their revolutionary coffee shop meeting.They are very bad nurses. Very, very bad.

HEY GUYS its time for the big meeting! The place is packed and Wendy has to wiggle her way through the crowd, and you can tell she is just loving it!

The crowd of interested parties is a bit odd though. Usually, although my experience of fictional hospital meetings has been, to say the least, minimal, I would not expect the crowd to consist of a large number of small children and teenage girls.

These are, and excuse me if I am wrong, not generally the “hospital revolution! budget cut outrage!” set. I am guessing these girls are here because of hunka hunka man TK who seems to be aware of this on some level as he bellows “I’m guessing from this turn out you want me, or someone like me, 24-7, am I right!?”

He is totally right. He knows what the ladies want.

At the only restaurant in town Chris and Rachel are having lunch when Uncle Garth shows up and invites himself to join them, he also rudely yells out his drink order to a random staff member which is totally a dick move. He starts rambling on about how he can’t believe that Isaac is such a crazy and labels him “a cold hearted casanova”. Rachel can’t believe this old man has hijacked her hot lunch date

Chris on the other hand is resigned to his fate of quietly growing old in the same restaurant, opposite the same hospital within which he has spent the last 19 years of his life.

Poor Chris. Incidentally, wikipedia tells me that Chris has had four wives, of which three are dead. That seems….odd. Wouldn’t it be amazing if after like 25 years on the show Chris was revealed as some kind of black widow? The ultimate “ferndale strangler” or something?

Anyway, back at the coup d’etat TK has whipped the crowd into a state of hysteria/lust and the rebellion has spilled out of the coffee shop and into reception and I totally didn’t realise that that was the way it was laid out? Has it always been that way? Reception is directly opposite the cafe which I always thought was just another corridor. Oh well, guess I have been schooled. Anyway, Callum shows up and is all “OI! IDIOTS! MOVE OUT OF THE ENTRANCE WAY!” and the security guard is all “oh? Should I have been not letting people block this very important emergency entrance and exit?”.

Callum moves along the rabble rousers and OMG there is a fellow leaning against the wall unconcious having been blocked by the well meaning crowd focused on the ability of the hospital to respond to emergency situations. I think Alanis Morrisette may have included this one in her iconic “Ironic” song. “It’s like ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a security guard to do their job and people not to stand around emergency zones watching hot doc TK Samuels grandstand on saving lives, oh and also a knife”. Anyway, Callum leaps into action performing some CPR while TK continues to talk about how hot he is/the gym/how his scrubs should probably be tighter and allow more definition of his abs.

The awesome foursome return from their successful meeting and are all smiles. TK got hit on by an old lady! No one likes Callum! YAY! But don’t get too pleased with yourselves guys because here comes Callum and BOY is he not happy!

He is looking right at me/you/us!

He isn’t finished either!

“That guy! He almost DIED you guys! You people are the worst medical professionals I have ever met! Seriously, you guys are eggs and I hate you all”

That is the gist of it anyway.

Callum lets them have it, both barrels and in the end they are pretty shamed.

It has been a tough day for them all, one minute its all fun and games

the next its “hey dicks, nice almost killing that guy”

Such a tableau of emotion!

And with that we end our episode.

Tomorrow: Are people getting fired! And WHEN WILL DR GABRIELLE JACOBS MAKE HER TRIUMPHANT RETURN!? I want her back, and how!

Oh hey, we’re back.  I haven’t watched this for like two weeks, because there are probably more important things in the world.  But let me tell you, I was talking to my mother on the internet, and you know what?  She said “Tobias, sometimes you’ve just gotta get back on the horse.  Things have got to get back to normal sometime, and it’s time you did that. Climb every mountain.  The sky is the limit.  The world’s your oyster”.  So here I am.  Blogging about Shortland Street.

LAST TIME IN SHORTLAND STREET TK was all angry at Callum, also he was angry because Shavaughn from Shortland Street was taking secret swimming lessons.  What?

So TK accosts Shavaughn in the hallway and tells her she’s a “stroppy Maori stereotype”, because self-racism is real good.  They have this real exciting conversation about how she can’t swim, or something, and she gets all passive agressive and walks off, leaving him standing there like an asshole.

Oh what, this Isaac wooing Bella storyline is still going?  What the hell is this? 

Anyway, Isaac and Brooke helpfully inform us of how deep Isaac is in his bullshit scheme to not get in trouble for operating on a Serbian guy like five months ago, when Bella walks in, just chillin’ with Isaac’s “favourite uncle”, the hilariously elderly and incredibly crafty-looking Garth:

Then Grant just goes up to Brooke and totally starts baggin on her father.  Man, Garth’s an asshole.  Oh yeah, also, Isaac’s getting access to his trust again

Then we get this real inexplicable scene in which Hunter makes fun of Daniel because he’s a girl, or something. Because, you know, that’s how young people talk.  Anyway, it’s a major plot point of this episode that Sophie’s bored with her life (because nothing makes good television like someone with a boring life) so Jill’s like “oh let’s go overseas” and Sophie’s like

Shavaughn from What Now is like “TK’s such a dick” because I guess something about swimming lessons, I don’t know.  I haven’t been following.  Probably she’s dumped him, or something.

Actual dialogue:

Isaac:  Any chance I could book the courtyard outside?

Murray:  The whole courtyard?

Isaac: The lot.  I’d like to have a special dinner with Bella.

Murray:  Special.

So it looks like Isaac’s just about to propose to Bella. I hope they have another Shortland Street wedding!  The Tracey/Scotty wedding was so beautiful I cried all night and all the next day and then I ran out of tears it was so beautiful but now I am crying again just thinking about Tracey “BLUSHING BRIDE” Scott!!!!!!!

Despite the fact that she seems to have quit her job, Sophie still hangs out at the hospital like, all of the time.  Also, she doesn’t want to go on a world trip anywhere that might have bears.  What a pussy.

Wendy’s not happy with Bella and Isaac’s relationship.  Why?  Well, it’s not like she has any unique or special insight to Isaac’s “dodgy dealings” or whatever.  She just clearly thinks a professional surgeon is not anywhere near good enough for this:

Anyway, Isaac plots a sweet courtyard dinner for him and Bella.  Did I cover that already?  I don’t know.

I love that within like ten minutes of watching Shortland Street I am 100% up with everything going on (except for Shavaughn from What Now’s swimming lessons?).  So TK’s angry at Callum, because Callum wants to close the emergency department.  And I understand.  If they close ED, where am I going to get my fix of hilariously poorly-cast extras?

<3 u teeks

Ohman, back-to-back TK scenes?  You’re really going all out tonight, Shortland Street!  TK’s been meeting with his lawyer about closing ED, or something, while Chris eggs him on from afar, like the useless child in school who sides with the bully so he doesn’t get beaten up.  Then Callum enters with a throng of television reporters, so TK’s like “yeah it’s high time I acted like a total dick” and starts like yelling across the hospital waiting room at him

It’s worth noting, TK describes the hospital as a “democracy”.  Pretty sure that’s not true. Pretty sure you don’t decide the chief executive of a hospital by popular vote. Anyway, he leads the gaggle of the reporters off to go yell at them some more, presumably.  Chris just stands there looking unbearably smug:

Because Sophie’s life is unadulterated boring misery, she’s taken to writing long-winded comments about her very important opinions on other people’s blogs (PS if you comment on this blog we won’t automatically assume your life is unadulterated boring misery)

Anyway, Daniel, who we, who have taken 100-level psychology classes call an “enabler”, tells her that her opinions are so good, she should start writing her own blog.  Because what the world needs is an online space dedicated to the no doubt very well-considered opinions  of an 18-year-old widow.  (ho ho making fun of bloggers I am so meta!)

OK, so it’s revealed that Isaac is formulating probably the worst, most convoluted and passive aggressive plan ever conceived.  Because once he’s married to Bella, he’s decided he will suddenly become a complete jerk and get her to dump him.  Meanwhile, he will get his inheritance, and she will no longer suspect him of being involved with Serbian mobsters and bald creepy glasses doctor’s dangerous opiate habit. This is the worst idea anyone has ever had.  But hey, I mean at least Brooke’s thrilled?

Then Hunter comes home in this awkwardly tight-fitting T-shirt and immediately and hilariously starts insulting Sophie for thinking her stupid opinions about anything matter.

Over at TK’s house, Shavaughn from What Now has popped over to “get her toiletries”.  What an odd thing to say/do.  I think it’s acceptable to just forfeit your “toiletries” when you break up with someone, but whatever.

Anyway, just as Shavaughn haughtily stomps into his home TK appears on television, working himself up into a frenzied sweat in probably the most feverish appearance anyone has ever made on a television news show:

And as soon as his hot TV appearance is over, TK turns his crazy attention to Shavaughn and immediately starts yelling at her.  Naturally, she responds by making a series of grunts and whnnies.  Sad guitar music plays.

Brodie starts abusing Bella in the lift about marrying Isaac.  Uh, I don’t know.  My computer mercifully froze on this weird image:

and I mean, he totally looks like a psychotic prison inmate there, right?

Shavaughn from What Now was obviously real aroused by TK’s openly sweaty appearance on national television, and she’s decided to forget this whole swimming lesson drama(?) and now they’re back together, sitting on the couch and probably thinking about boning eachother and it’s smiles all round

it’s worth noting, we’re getting another industrial action storyline, the second in about a month.  Have Shortland Street writers suddenly been unionised or something?

Over at the McKay household, Sophie is dressed like a stripper.  Also, Daniel calls Hunter a “socially retarded try-hard”, which seems kind of unreasonably harsh?  Jeez you’re a dick, Daniel.  Anyway, Sophie’s real excited that her blog “Talking the Truth” (yes really) has had “over 70 hits” in “just a few hours”.  Please.  That’s nothing.

Over at the IV, Chris and uncle Garth are inexplicably dressed in tuxedos, talking about Isaac’s love life.  Chris don’t dig it.  Garth’s like “well I’m old so I don’t care” and Brodie overhears that Isaac stands to make a few million dollars by marrying Bella.  Because that’s how things work.  When you get married, your uncle gives you millions of dollars.

Out in the courtyard, Isaac pops the question, and Brodie leaps in, totally flippin out, and is like “ISAAC IS MARRYING YOU FOR THE MONEY.  NOT YOUR MONEY. HIS UNCLE’S MONEY.  HIS UNCLE IS A DIPSHIT, YOU SEE” and Bella’s like “say it ain’t so”.  For some reason, Isaac doesn’t contradict this.  I find that odd, because it’s not like he’s hesitated to lie at any other point in this storyline?  Anyway, then the episode ends.

HELLO IT’S GOOD TO BE BACK

So we were all set for more hilarious jokes about Shortland Street  (Hunter looks like a lesbian!  Sophie’s character is inconsistent!  Nobody acts like this in real life!) for this week.  But then our hometown got devastated by an enormous earthquake, and suddenly stupid jokes about soap operas seemed a whole lot less funny, and less important than finding out about our families and friends.

Meanwhile, because I work at a newspaper, I don’t exactly have a lot of free time for this, as I’m sure you can imagine. 

So, in light of the huge tragedy in the town we both grew up in, we’re going to skip these scathing recaps for a while.  We’ll be back, probably next week.

Christchurch, we love you!

So last time on Shortland Street Isaac put the wrong kind of metal in some old lady’s hip and that is really bad cos now he can’t be made a consultant. If I were hilarious I would call that “a right balls up”.

Isaac is characteristically concerned only with himself and his career and not about poor old Mrs WrongBall. Chris berates him about his terrible character and jeez  Chris is pissed off.

In the back of the ambulance Jill and Hunter have just finished having sweaty relations. It’s pretty gross. But oh no! Hunter’s partner shows up and so Jill has to distract him from seeing half naked Hunter and getting the pair of them fired for gross ickiness. Having sex in an ambulance wouldn’t be my number one fantasy destination given that people have probably died in there. But oh well, to each their own right?

At reception Sophie and Vasa are discussing the fact that Jill isn’t back from her “lunch” break. Vasa is all “oh she’s probably in the staff room” and Sophie is all “nah I just checked there”. You should have checked the ambulance bay where she was sticking it to your brother. Rookie mistake. Anyway Vasa gives sweaty Jill a good dressing down and then Jill is all “thanks a bunch, bitch” to Sophie and I realise I really don’t like this Jill. I don’t particularly care for Sophie but it isn’t her fault that Jill was too busy getting railed to get back to work on time.

In the corridor Nicole is taking heat from Vasa and Isaac about the wrong ball operation. She’s really having a tough run of it isn’t she!

Meanwhile Sophie is all bent out of shape about what a bitch Jill is. Daniel is all “nah she’s okay” and Sophie is all “if you want to sleep with her, then yeah”.

Anyway Daniel talks about the up coming mediation with the orderly strike and why is he even in her office? She has work to do, it isn’t normal for the boyfriend to be hanging out all the time at her desk. If I were Rachel I would tell her to cut it out. Like uncle Joey. 

At the IV Brooke is getting really sick of Isaac and his bullshit. She’s all “god you’re a trainwreck” and he’s all “waahhh” and then she storms off in a huff, having realised that Isaac is a complete moron. It’s okay though because here comes Bella! She, unlike Brooke, thinks that Isaac is phenomenal and a genius and he promptly takes her home for a good root.

The next morning Chris again tells Isaac he really is an idiot for banging Bella and that he should stop the PDA in front of impressionable youths Harry and Phoenix. Which is a little rich considering the parade of women Chris has whisked through the house.

Look how psychedelic Chris looks

The much talked about mediation for the orderlies occurs off screen and we find that the result is that they may have to do their strike. POWER TO THE PEOPLE. UNIONISE!

Outside the hospital Sophie is busy getting all up on her high horse about Rachel while Hunter listens half-heartedly. Jill walks past and Sophie loudly exclaims “SKANK” and Hunter is all “man you are a misanthropic cow” and Sophie is all “whatevs” and turns on her heal and stalks off.

In Rachel’s office there is some pretty boring stuff going on with Chris, Callum and the CEO position. Chris is all jealous that Rachel will one day work with Callum againa and thinks that Rachel should be the CEO forever. At one point he says “hypothetically, if Callum was found wandering the car park with his trousers around his legs and was fired and they offered you the job would you take it?”. Now THAT is a more interesting story! Why aren’t they running with that?!

For reasons completely unexplained Sophie and Bella are tasked with reviewing security footage to try to catch a thief of some kind

Actual dialogue:

Bella:  GRRL DETECTIVES

Sophie:  NEATO

They see  Jill all climbing out of the ambulance adjusting her knickers and jump to the conclusion that she has been boning “George” Hunter’s ambulance partner. Sophie is all “well well well! And in an ambulance!”. She has scheming in her eyes and poison in her heart.

Isaac goes to his old lady wrongball to apologise and bear the brunt of her mismatched metal anger. Surprisngly she just lies there all neutral and weird, but I guess it’s a bit much to expect lots of emotion from a corpse you just dug up, apparently:

Looks like Isaac could get away with this one! (Unless Vasa tries to convince the old lady to complain in order to get Nicole all up in the bad times). I wouldn’t put that past Vasa, she is such a hateful harpy.

Speaking of harpies Sophie trots into some nurse area and starts bitching it up big time to Jill ranting on about what a slut she is. Vasa, ears twitching at all times for a reason to yell at someone, overhears and promptly tells Jill that she is giving her a formal warning for sexual liberation/being late and Jill is all “happy?” to Sophie, who, unsurprisngly is pretty chuffed with herself.

Back in Sophie’s office she is, as usual, not working and instead getting another gentlman caller, although this time it’s just her brother. She launches into a tirade about what a whore Jill is and how any guy must be insane to put his manhood in harms way by getting all hot and sweaty with her, who knows what kind of diseases she has etc etc , she even says the word “condom” on screen! Man I enjoy bitchy Sophie so much more than grieving Sophie or “hey babe” Sophie, even if the change is completely sudden and inconsistent.

Hunter is all “girl you are so naive and inexperienced what would you know about banging hotties” and Sophie continues her sassy routine telling Hunter that she got her a formal warning LOL LOL warnings! Hunter, fairly spectacularly, calls Sophie out on being such a bitchy twelve-year old and tells her that she’s a misogynist! SWEET! She actually is though. Hunter is just as much a slut as Jill, if we are talking equality. Hunter storms off having won my respect and leaves Sophie looking pathetic, bitter and slightly misogynistic.

No joke – thanks to my inept internet connection, this is the fourth time I’ve attempted to write this today.  Truly, nobody has ever been as desperate to watch Shortland Street as I am.

LAST TIME ON SHORTLAND STREET the King of the Orderlies, inspired by recent events in Arab north Africa, led a half-hearted protest against Rachel’s tyrannical on-the-job training regime

Bella and her new fake boyfriend Isaac have a sweet conversation by the lift about how he got punched in the face by her former real boyfriend, and she gets all PDA and crazy eyed at him

And I mean, like a full minute and a half passes between Isaac pushing the lift button and its eventual arrival.  And that’s pretty bad, considering it’s a hospital, where there are medical emergencies and stuff all the time.  You wanna get places fast.

Sophie delivers Rachel her mail, and Rachel’s all “THE ORDERLIES ARE STILL THREATENING INDUSTRIAL ACTION”, which isn’t quite correct.  They stood around chanting “STRIKE” yesterday.  That’s not a threat; that totally is industrial action.  Then Sophie gives her some hot tips for remedying the orderly situation. Because when you’re the chief executive of the hospital you absolutely want management tips from 18-year-old failed bar owners/journalists/widows. 

Anyway, seeds are then sewn for Sophie’s eventual assault on Rachel’s restructuring scheme.  Why is restructuring neccessarily bad?  Does anyone really care about it?  The real issue here is the lack of funding for health in New Zealand, not Rachel’s upskilling plan, surely?  But no, I mean, rather than deal with the problem in ways that actually make sense – like campaigning for funding from the government – I guess there’s just gonna be a whole bunch of extremely personal backstabbing and subterfuge.  Maybe I’m overthinking this.

Hunter’s trying to have a conversation with dead-eyed new nurse on the telephone, but for some reason Callum keeps like yelling stuff down the phone at her.  “I DON’T NEED A BABYSITTER” he hollers, and really, Jill must really be wondering what she got into when she began courting this lesbian-looking creep.  Also, check out how useless Callum is at pouring orange juice:

Chris rolls in to Isaac’s surgery office and they start talkin some sweet hip-replacement jargon.  I love how mind-numbingly specific this show is sometimes.  Oh yeah, Isaac’s going to be a consultant soon.  Have I mentioned that?  I think it might be a reasonably important plot point, for whatever reason.  Anyway, because he completely lacks motor skills, Isaac accidentally knocks this hip replacement ball-bearing thing in his wastepaper basket.  Where, undoubtedly, it will be lost forever, foiling his consultancy dreams

Sophie and Daniel talk battle plans with Rachel’s training.  They hatch a plan to get “public support” for their cause, via fundraising for the social club.  This is absolutely not how people act in real life.

Hunter and Jill have an exhilarating “first date”, which largely consists of her staring dead ahead while monotonously reading her lines.  She’s all “I don’t start my date till 3, wanna do something after this?” and it’s pretty strongly implied that she’s DTF.  Their hot plans are thwarted by Callum’s shitty motor skills though, as it turns out he’s had quite a tumble at home, and Hunter needs to go see to him.  Clearly, Jill is real turned on by the existence of Hunter’s useless father, because she’s like “I’m not letting this date end without a snog” and comes along to help Callum up off the floor, or something

Uh, Isaac’s surgery consult went OK?  I don’t really know.  TVNZ On Demand kind of cut out before the end of this scene, so I’m just gonna skip it.  I think it’s  reasonable to assume nothing’s going to happen.

HUNTER’S HOT DATE IS GOING SO WELL

you can’t really see it, but dead-eyed new nurse Jill is wearing this bizarre denim vest thing, which leaves her entire stomach exposed, meaning an attacking mountain lion could easily zero in on her most vulnerable area

So this is Daniel’s sweet plan: raise support for the orderlies’ strike by holding a sausage sizzle, with all proceeds going to the social club.  Also, sausages are $3?  That’s total bullshit.  Nobody would pay that much for a shitty Sizzler, even if it was cooked by the King of the Orderlies himself.  Anyway, Daniel outlines his plan to Nicole, who just totally walks off in the middle of his speech, to be replaced by Maxwell.  Daniel keeps talking through this regardless.

Murray pops in to see Isaac, but has to wait for like 30 seconds for him to get off the phone.  So, the viewers are treated to 30 seconds of Murray examining Isaac’s thermometer. Exciting!  Anyway, Murray wants to know Isaac’s intentions regarding Bella.  And I mean, it’s not like he can tell him the unbelievably convoluted truth, right?

Chris doesn’t seem to be a huge fan of Murray, regardless:

Isaac heads off to his surgery with a fistful of hip replacements, but not the one he put in the wastepaper basket.  Wouldn’t you check that kind of thing? 

Hunter and dead-eyed Jill are mackin it like there’s no tomorrow when she suddenly gets up and is all “I need to leave, are you a Christian?” and he’s like “nah” and then she’s all “where’s the bedroom?”.   Seriously. Callum’s having a lie down in the next room.  That’s gonna be awkward for everyone.  Anyway, just before Hunter gets to bone Jill, he gets called into work.  But hey, at least there’s a new lesbian couple on Shortland Street, right?

Over at the sausage sizzle, Daniel’s having a tough time gaining support for him and his lazy co-workers’ refusal to upskill.  Actual dialogue:

Daniel:  Don’t you think we should be able to carry on as orderlies if we choose?

Arbitrary middle-aged nurse extra: Sorry.

King of the Orderlies: To you that’s $5.  JOKE!

Anyway, then the devil herself, Rachel McKenna, shows up and is real pissed at Daniel for cooking meat goods at the entrance to the hospital. 

Jill and Hunter have a rad conversation about how they want to bone eachother.  Actual dialogue:

Jill: I’m going to take a shower

Hunter: A shower would be good

Jill: Do I know you well enough to share a shower with you?

Hunter: I wasn’t meaning it like that. Not that I don’t like the idea. I would like that a lot.  But it’s kind of cart before the horse, because usually that comes after.

Jill: Oh, OK.

Anyway, they make a plan to stick it to eachother after brunch the next day.  I’m glad that’s sorted. She’s totally DTF, but she keeps getting cockblocked by Hunter’s infirm father.  Bad vibe.

I feel like Sophie got drunk before filming this next scene, in which her, Daniel and Callum talk about the orderly strike.  She’s real slurring and moving strangely.  Like she’s made of liquid, or something

[SURGERY SCENE, RECAP OMITTED]

Fresh from the destruction of their beautiful relationship, Rachel and Callum get kind of arguing about hospital administration. Anyway, Rachel reveals she wants to take up neurosurgery in the hospital or something and CALLUM LIKES WHAT HE HEARS:

Hunter grabs Jill’s arse in the back of an ambulance, and they resolve to have their debut bone in the back of an emergency vehicle.  Which is, I guess, as good a place as any?

The unexpectedly observant Bella notes that instead of putting the correct hip replacement thing in some woman, he put it in the rubbish bin.  Hang on.  Surely someone would have checked?  Surely when he went to put it inside a human being he would have noticed that it was the incorrect piece of metal?  WHATEVS.  Anyway, it’s revealed that this woman’s hip is now one part stainless steel, one part titanium, and I mean everyone knows those two have a volatile and dangerous reaction to eachother, so it’s panic stations in the surgery office.

Anyway, because of this “gross negligence” Chris is like “U CAN’T BE CONSULTANT NOW DICKWEED” to Isaac, and sad guitar music plays.  It’s a bit odd that Chris was in charge of Isaac being a consultant in the first place.  Probably that’s a conflict of interest, or something.

AND THAT’S OUR SHOW