No joke – thanks to my inept internet connection, this is the fourth time I’ve attempted to write this today. Truly, nobody has ever been as desperate to watch Shortland Street as I am.
LAST TIME ON SHORTLAND STREET the King of the Orderlies, inspired by recent events in Arab north Africa, led a half-hearted protest against Rachel’s tyrannical on-the-job training regime
Bella and her new fake boyfriend Isaac have a sweet conversation by the lift about how he got punched in the face by her former real boyfriend, and she gets all PDA and crazy eyed at him
And I mean, like a full minute and a half passes between Isaac pushing the lift button and its eventual arrival. And that’s pretty bad, considering it’s a hospital, where there are medical emergencies and stuff all the time. You wanna get places fast.
Sophie delivers Rachel her mail, and Rachel’s all “THE ORDERLIES ARE STILL THREATENING INDUSTRIAL ACTION”, which isn’t quite correct. They stood around chanting “STRIKE” yesterday. That’s not a threat; that totally is industrial action. Then Sophie gives her some hot tips for remedying the orderly situation. Because when you’re the chief executive of the hospital you absolutely want management tips from 18-year-old failed bar owners/journalists/widows.
Anyway, seeds are then sewn for Sophie’s eventual assault on Rachel’s restructuring scheme. Why is restructuring neccessarily bad? Does anyone really care about it? The real issue here is the lack of funding for health in New Zealand, not Rachel’s upskilling plan, surely? But no, I mean, rather than deal with the problem in ways that actually make sense – like campaigning for funding from the government – I guess there’s just gonna be a whole bunch of extremely personal backstabbing and subterfuge. Maybe I’m overthinking this.
Hunter’s trying to have a conversation with dead-eyed new nurse on the telephone, but for some reason Callum keeps like yelling stuff down the phone at her. “I DON’T NEED A BABYSITTER” he hollers, and really, Jill must really be wondering what she got into when she began courting this lesbian-looking creep. Also, check out how useless Callum is at pouring orange juice:
Chris rolls in to Isaac’s surgery office and they start talkin some sweet hip-replacement jargon. I love how mind-numbingly specific this show is sometimes. Oh yeah, Isaac’s going to be a consultant soon. Have I mentioned that? I think it might be a reasonably important plot point, for whatever reason. Anyway, because he completely lacks motor skills, Isaac accidentally knocks this hip replacement ball-bearing thing in his wastepaper basket. Where, undoubtedly, it will be lost forever, foiling his consultancy dreams
Sophie and Daniel talk battle plans with Rachel’s training. They hatch a plan to get “public support” for their cause, via fundraising for the social club. This is absolutely not how people act in real life.
Hunter and Jill have an exhilarating “first date”, which largely consists of her staring dead ahead while monotonously reading her lines. She’s all “I don’t start my date till 3, wanna do something after this?” and it’s pretty strongly implied that she’s DTF. Their hot plans are thwarted by Callum’s shitty motor skills though, as it turns out he’s had quite a tumble at home, and Hunter needs to go see to him. Clearly, Jill is real turned on by the existence of Hunter’s useless father, because she’s like “I’m not letting this date end without a snog” and comes along to help Callum up off the floor, or something
Uh, Isaac’s surgery consult went OK? I don’t really know. TVNZ On Demand kind of cut out before the end of this scene, so I’m just gonna skip it. I think it’s reasonable to assume nothing’s going to happen.
HUNTER’S HOT DATE IS GOING SO WELL
you can’t really see it, but dead-eyed new nurse Jill is wearing this bizarre denim vest thing, which leaves her entire stomach exposed, meaning an attacking mountain lion could easily zero in on her most vulnerable area
So this is Daniel’s sweet plan: raise support for the orderlies’ strike by holding a sausage sizzle, with all proceeds going to the social club. Also, sausages are $3? That’s total bullshit. Nobody would pay that much for a shitty Sizzler, even if it was cooked by the King of the Orderlies himself. Anyway, Daniel outlines his plan to Nicole, who just totally walks off in the middle of his speech, to be replaced by Maxwell. Daniel keeps talking through this regardless.
Murray pops in to see Isaac, but has to wait for like 30 seconds for him to get off the phone. So, the viewers are treated to 30 seconds of Murray examining Isaac’s thermometer. Exciting! Anyway, Murray wants to know Isaac’s intentions regarding Bella. And I mean, it’s not like he can tell him the unbelievably convoluted truth, right?
Chris doesn’t seem to be a huge fan of Murray, regardless:
Isaac heads off to his surgery with a fistful of hip replacements, but not the one he put in the wastepaper basket. Wouldn’t you check that kind of thing?
Hunter and dead-eyed Jill are mackin it like there’s no tomorrow when she suddenly gets up and is all “I need to leave, are you a Christian?” and he’s like “nah” and then she’s all “where’s the bedroom?”. Seriously. Callum’s having a lie down in the next room. That’s gonna be awkward for everyone. Anyway, just before Hunter gets to bone Jill, he gets called into work. But hey, at least there’s a new lesbian couple on Shortland Street, right?
Over at the sausage sizzle, Daniel’s having a tough time gaining support for him and his lazy co-workers’ refusal to upskill. Actual dialogue:
Daniel: Don’t you think we should be able to carry on as orderlies if we choose?
Arbitrary middle-aged nurse extra: Sorry.
King of the Orderlies: To you that’s $5. JOKE!
Anyway, then the devil herself, Rachel McKenna, shows up and is real pissed at Daniel for cooking meat goods at the entrance to the hospital.
Jill and Hunter have a rad conversation about how they want to bone eachother. Actual dialogue:
Jill: I’m going to take a shower
Hunter: A shower would be good
Jill: Do I know you well enough to share a shower with you?
Hunter: I wasn’t meaning it like that. Not that I don’t like the idea. I would like that a lot. But it’s kind of cart before the horse, because usually that comes after.
Jill: Oh, OK.
Anyway, they make a plan to stick it to eachother after brunch the next day. I’m glad that’s sorted. She’s totally DTF, but she keeps getting cockblocked by Hunter’s infirm father. Bad vibe.
I feel like Sophie got drunk before filming this next scene, in which her, Daniel and Callum talk about the orderly strike. She’s real slurring and moving strangely. Like she’s made of liquid, or something
[SURGERY SCENE, RECAP OMITTED]
Fresh from the destruction of their beautiful relationship, Rachel and Callum get kind of arguing about hospital administration. Anyway, Rachel reveals she wants to take up neurosurgery in the hospital or something and CALLUM LIKES WHAT HE HEARS:
Hunter grabs Jill’s arse in the back of an ambulance, and they resolve to have their debut bone in the back of an emergency vehicle. Which is, I guess, as good a place as any?
The unexpectedly observant Bella notes that instead of putting the correct hip replacement thing in some woman, he put it in the rubbish bin. Hang on. Surely someone would have checked? Surely when he went to put it inside a human being he would have noticed that it was the incorrect piece of metal? WHATEVS. Anyway, it’s revealed that this woman’s hip is now one part stainless steel, one part titanium, and I mean everyone knows those two have a volatile and dangerous reaction to eachother, so it’s panic stations in the surgery office.
Anyway, because of this “gross negligence” Chris is like “U CAN’T BE CONSULTANT NOW DICKWEED” to Isaac, and sad guitar music plays. It’s a bit odd that Chris was in charge of Isaac being a consultant in the first place. Probably that’s a conflict of interest, or something.
AND THAT’S OUR SHOW