We’re back in Wellington, a misty city littered with broken glass, garbage and vomit in the grim aftermath of the weekend-long shiftest that is the Wellington sevens. IT’S GOOD TO BE BACK
LAST TIME ON SHORTLAND STREET Shanti’s mother demanded Yvonne go to Sydney. Yvonne, in turn, demanded Maia move to Sydney too. Jesus Yvonne, break free of your stupid children.
That gargoyle-looking DHB guy is back in the picture and talking about how he wants Callum out all secret like. But really DHB guy, if it’s a secret, probably don’t tell anyone?
Maia and Yvonne talk about going to Sydney. In this scene, Yvonne wants to move. And I gotta say, moving to a different city with this is lookin pretty appetising:
Sophie’s real jealous because Daniel was all dropping his pants for new nurse, but it doesn’t matter because she’s not in the scene for long. Meanwhile, Daniel offers to take the increasinglly bitter/alarmingly chipper Callum out for a stroll. And jeez, that’s gonna be awkward. He didn’t think it through. What could he talk about? How he’s boning Callum’s daughter? How Callum is unable to walk or do anything because he dived on Chris and Rachel to save them from the world’s slowest explosion, immediately after she ripped his heart out and stomped on it? Bad decision.
Maia and Rachel helpfully recap the dispersement of Jeffries family members on an unsuspecting world, and Maia helpfully says Yvonne looks ten years younger. LOLOLOL.
On their awkward wheelchair outing, Daniel and Callum bump into new nurse, who I guess is meant to be pretty flirtatious with him? I don’t know. She doesn’t seem flirty to me. If a girl talked like that to me, I might think she was a bit handicapped or something, but I guess I’ve never been any good at picking up signs from girls.
Oh yeah, also, Daniel tells Callum that the orderlies are getting upskilled, or something. This is approximately as exciting as the time I made small talk with my boss while I waited for my coffee to brew in the kitchen at my work.
Chris is talking to Rachel, and he’s all like “hey babe that gargoyle DHB guy wants to stick it to your managerial skills” and tries to force Rachel to take over Callum’s job. Because I mean, not only content to steal his partner, Chris wants to completely ruin Callum’s life by putting him out of a job, or something
The King of the Orderlies is very unhappy about getting upskilled for free in his job, and he lets the crippled and shitty Callum know ALL ABOUT IT. Callum is clearly very upset about how someone else is running the hospital while he requires like, burn surgery. WELL I’M SORRY CALLUM THE WORLD DOESN’T JUST STAND STILL WHILE YOU’RE CRIPPLED AND USELESS
Maia and Yvonne have conversation number two about going to Sydney. Yvonne is still in favour of Maia going. Hey, isn’t it weird how both the head nurses in Shortland Street are like, cold-hearted killers? Maia totally shot Ethan in the face, also you know Scotty committed some serious war crimes in East Timor.
Callum melancholically wheels his way into the HOD meeting to yap at Rachel about orderlies and acts like a total bitch about everything, then everyone laughs at him. It’s actually pretty sweet
New nurse is maybe the worst actor on the show. She’s outshined in this scene by pretty much all the orderly extras, especially the King of the Orderlies. She has this awful British accent and everything. She sounds like the kind of person who orders Maltesers when she goes to the cinema. Then for some reason Sophie stands right behind new nurse while she talks looking like this
Maia and Nicole have this real sweet conversation about patients but actually they’re talking about their failed romance. It made me cry so much to learn they had broken up because they were the most perfect couple since Tania and “Rafe”
The King of the Orderlies carries around this big pile of towels and doesn’t want anything to do with learning new skills. Callum rolls in and starts ranting about the “climate of fear” in the hospital and starts talking about how he’s still in charge, except he’s in his pyjamas so he really isn’t
TK and Shavaughn from What Now talk about sandwiches and he desperately tries to hit on her. This is basically the show saying “hey remember this storyline? Yeah, nothing new here. But it’s still going, please don’t forget!”
Rachel’s not happy that Callum’s wheeling about like he owns the place, resolves to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. It blows my mind that all-purposes computer genius Daniel is currently wasting his time talking towels with the King of the Orderlies
Daniel enjoys a delicious drink while Sophie gets all apologetic
Then Daniel traipses off, leaving Sophie alone with new nurse. Sophie immediately sets about acting like a total bitch for no reason whatsoever and storms off, leaving new nurse to resolve to “teach her some lessons”. Does that mean she’s going to kill Sophie? She’s leaving the show soon. I hope that’s what’s happening here.
Chris: [Rachel] wants the [CEO] job, but you’ll never hear her say that.
Isaac: Shame, she’s made for it.
Chris: I thought you had your doubts.
Isaac: I like her a lot better now she’s not a double act with Bozo the Clown.
[GIGGLES ALL ROUND]
Weirdly, the giggling sound seems to have been overdubbed. I know Shortland Street’s not above that.
Callum and Rachel have this serious argument about upskilling useless staff, right now I really want to go on a rollercoaster. Why aren’t there any good rollercoasters in New Zealand? I went on the Superman one in Movieworld in Australia, and it was like, the best rollercoaster I have ever been on. But it didn’t go upside down, and I really dig it when I go upside down on rollercoasters. I’ve been on a couple at Disneyland too, but they really cater for the younger set, and I mean, I’m 24 years old now. It’s time I took on the big leagues, don’t you think?
Maia and Yvonne have conversation #3 about moving to Sydney for this evening. Yvonne now seemingly does not want Maia to move to Sydney. Bizarrely, the reverse psychology seems to work, as Maia’s all “I LOVE GREEK FOOD” and then they hug, and the Jeffries dynasty on Shortland Street is finally over.
God, I hate Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Total maudlin bullshit.
Chris is talking to gargoyle guy on speakerphone in his office, when Rachel storms in yelling about how much of a scumbag Callum is for like, a full minute. Then she realises she’s on speakerphone!!!!!! HO HO HO EPISODE ENDS