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LAST TIME Sophie quit in light of Rachel’s hypocrisy. Exciting!
Tonight’s episode opens with some unbelievable sexual tension as Jennifer asks Maia to get a file, so Maia just graphically bends over right in front of her:
Then Jennifer’s like “I am always thinking about you babe” and Maia’s acting like this total cocktease. Then Nicole stumbles onto the scene and Maia starts talking about boning Nicole and stuff, which is totally a really manipulative and horrible thing to say in front of your fringed suitor
In case you’d forgotten, Murray believes Evan set fire to the building on purpose. Evan’s like “we’ve had this conversation a hundred times”, which is true. I would know, I have seen them. I wish troubled teens were better than Evan. I want full-blown drug-dealing, street-fighting breakdowns. When you consider just how troubled teens can be, this Evan storyline is really just a load of pussy bullshit
Sophie rushes over to Daniel and starts yabbering on at him about quitting her job. They call eachother babe a ton, which is pretty irritating. Anyway, Daniel’s like “hey you should go to school and be a journalist again”, so at least she’s going full circle? Daniel visibly regrets ever sticking it to Sophie in the first place:
Then we get Rachel’s side of the story. Chris is about as thrilled to hear it as we are, his eyes silently pleading for death’s sweet release:
Hunter and Sophie have a very exciting conversation about Sophie’s future. Hunter describes the whole Rachel/Callum/Chris situation, saying “It would be funny if it wasn’t so tragic”. Which sums up this show at its worst really, doesn’t it? Anyway, Hunter’s all demanding Sophie goes into admin and not journalism but doesn’t really have a rationale for saying that. I don’t know. Maybe I made some bad choices.
Evan’s considering pleading guilty to arson to get Murray off his back. All the best fathers drive their children to pretending they’re guilty of serious crimes. Hey remember how like a week ago there were vague mutterings about how Murray beat Evan? Weird.
Anyway, bald creepy glasses doctor is chillin out in his car in this real dark and bleak parking lot (was that always a thing?) by himself, enjoying some sweet quality time when god damned Nicole pops in and wastes mine and everyone else’s time. Bald creepy glasses doctor’s working himself up into this paranoid fervour, and I guess if there’s one thing he can do it’s act unhinged, right? Nicole’s all “if you didn’t want to get fired, you shouldn’t get high on opiates at work, dipshit” and I mean I don’t disagree
FUNK GUITAR OUTRO
Air con: the lockers of 2011? Everyone’s talking about how hot it is in the hospital. Which is good news for all the people who are very interested in the temperatures of fictional medical centres. Nicole comes home to Maia, who’s ready for some hot lesbian action, but Nicole’s like “nah let’s talk about a bunch of crazy bullshit instead”
One thing I’m really digging in this episode is how all the characters are talking about how ridiculous the storylines are. It’s toeing a fine line between some serious irony and being unexpectedly meta
Wendy brings Evan in to see poor wee Callum, who’s still all heartbroken and melancholy. Evan delivers the kind of stilted speech you give when you’re a shitty teenager who’s forced into apologising for stuff, but Callum still accepts anyway. Penetrating wounds really make you a total pussy, it turns out
Maia’s, who’s all sexually frustrated because she didn’t get to bone Nicole before, has decided the thing to do is wander around the hospital’s locker room. She bumps into Jennifer who’s all “I AM FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU. BABE.” and Maia’s like “get out skank jeeeezzz”
You can relax and breathe easy, New Zealand – the air conditioning is fixed! Maia’s still trying in vain to bone Nicole, but Nicole would rather work an extra shift at the hospital. OH DEARRR
Sophie and Hunter have a very good conversation in which they recap now-irrelevant storylines of 2010:
Sophie: You quit the IV because you didn’t respect Kieran.
Hunter: Kieran was a criminal
Hunter: The IV job meant nothing to me and Kieran didn’t cost me a thing
Sophie: He cost me a lot. Including my self-esteem
Evan goes to see the only police officer in town about his arson attempt with Murray and, well, I don’t know, some teenage girl?:
Who is that? Am I missing something? That’s a total stranger who’s never been on the show before, hamfistedly inserted into a police interrogation scene, isn’t it? Jesus Christ.
Anyway, Ferndale’s only police officer says Evan’s going to have to plead guilty or not guilty in court. Yes.
Afterward at the IV Murray tries to blame Wendy/himself for Evan’s fire starting tendencies, and Wendy has a total bitchfit and tells him he needs to find somewhere else to spend the night:
This is win-win for Murray. He owns a hotel, so really it’s no skin off his nose if he gets to spend a night away from that awful harpy
Maia walks in on Chris and Rachel canoodling, and you can tell by the way the camera focuses on her perfectly round face that she is considering breaking Nicole’s heart and leaving her for Jennifer. Presumably, Nicole will then receive penetrating wounds.
Callum, who’s still on his deathbed, tells Sophie that she’s not allowed to be a journalist, because one day he’s going to be the chief executive of the hospital, and Sophie has to be his PA. Let’s examine this. He wants his frankly completely wayward daughter to avoid starting a skilled, respectable career, so she can accept this dead-end bullshit job answering phones for him? Christ, he has some serious issues
Maxwell’s still got nothing better to do, so he flirts with Nicole for a bit. Well, at least she has him to fall back on, right?
Why are there constant conversations in stationary cars in that carpark now? Did they just acquire a carpark set, and decide they didn’t want to waste the money? Because I mean last year they parked outside. I am sure of that. Is this show intentionally mysterious and surreal, or just completely lacking production values? You decide.
Anyway, deep within the bowels of New Zealand’s newest, most sinister carpark, Maia and Jennifer have a chat about how they want to bone eachother. Then they clumsily make out a bit. It’s so romantic I can barely contain myself
And that’s our show. And it was weird.