And we’re back.
LAST TIME ON SHORTLAND STREET Rachel felt nothing but pity for her burnt/penetrated lover Callum, potentially didn’t go to dinner with Chris.
Tonight’s episode opens with more smouldering lesbian tension between Maia and Jennifer in the locker room. Jennifer finally addresses the rainbow-coloured elephant in the room by finally acknowledging Maia’s blatant desire for her and her weird clip-on fringe. Then Maia’s like “oh yeah actually I do want to stick it to you, except you’re straight and I already have a sapphic love” and the disappointment is palpable
That scene was really awkward. Like, I know it was meant to be awkward, but it totally transcended that. I’m feeling a little bit uncomfortable about having watched it. Maybe because I’m watching Shortland Street on demand by myself and it’s sunny outside, I don’t know.
Oh hey, I’m not sure if you know this already, Rachel’s feeling serious guilt about dumping Callum. Yeah, that’s gonna happen when you break a guy’s heart right before he jumps on you to save you from an explosion. But I mean we probably need at least another 15 scenes or so just like this one to drive the point home, right?
Oh good, they’ve resumed the crazy Scotty storyline. I was gonna say Rena Owen really needs to take some elocution lessons, but I guess she is playing a drugged up failure of a human being, and we can’t all be as brutally well-spoken as Rachel, right? Anyway, I really dig the inference that crazy Scotty’s just been out and about prowling the neighbourhood for the past three days or so. Tracey’s feeling the fear:
Shirtless Chris and Rachel get woken up by Chris’ asshole son Harry. I feel real bad when I say most kids are total jerks (which they are), but when I’m insulting Harry I feel absolutely no remorse. Harry Warner is such a god damned prick. I have no time for that little dipshit, and neither does Facebook:
Little scumbag. I’m amazed even four people like him. Anyway, Harry busts in on Chris and Rachel, presumably post-all-night sex marathon, and demands Chris makes him cupcakes. Then Rachel’s like “I never considered the step-mum thing” and Chris is blithely like “nah, the kids take care of themselves, he’s fine”. Yeah, real good parenting technique, Chris. Also there’s something strange about making pancakes shirtless.
Then we get a delightful domestic scene of Nicole and Maia
Maia’s been doctoring the roster so she gets more time to spend with Nicole. That’s called nepotism. Anyway, she proposes a date night to be “all about Nicole”, which means they’re gonna go to “the clubs”. Lucky everyone! Then they kiss. On the cheek. Don’t want to offend grandma!
I don’t really want to be the moral arbiter of the correct way to act post-assault, but Tracey is suspiciously not traumatised in the slightest by her fiance’s repeated attempts on her life. When someone tried to kill Scotty, it caused him to totally flip out. When he, in turn, tried to kill Tracey, she responded by wearing baggy T-shirts around the house. Bizarre.
Anyway, then this asshole comes over to the Tracey house:
Turns out he’s Tracey’s brother, and he’s there to take Tracey back to Christchurch. He says the Scott family is a “whole flock of black sheep”, which is unbelievably racist, but never actually remarked on. Tracey’s not very happy about him just popping over to insult her and her murderous fiance’s family:
But then they hug and decide to join forces and find crazy Scotty. How tumultuous!
Oh Jesus, so Callum needs a skin graft, and Chris is the only guy for the job or something. I mean, he’s meant to be like, the best surgeon in town, right? But Sophie’s still being a total jerk about the whole thing and is like “nah I don’t want him operating on my father”. God, she’s a prick.
Then Callum wakes up and he actually says, in the show, “I’m a bit uncomfortable. Not sure if it’s the burns or THE WHOPPING BIG KNIFE CHRIS PUT IN THERE”. God, to think he was once my favourite character on this show.
On demand keeps advertising Weltec to me. Pretty sure I don’t need to go to school anymore. I mean, I blog about Shortland Street, so no matter what I do I’ve already made it, right?
Tracey and her brother hit the streets to try to find crazy Scotty. Tracey’s like “nah the Scotts aren’t bad people, they just had it tough” and he’s all “when did you get your bleeding heart?”. Christ. I bet he’s the kind of guy who writes misguided letters to newspapers complaining about the “PC brigade” and likes Paul Henry on Facebook. Hilariously, as Tracey converses with her brother, crazy Scotty cravenly scurries around in a bush:
Maia strolls through the hospital with Jennifer, entirely appropriately bellowing about how “random” love can be, and how there are “no rules in who you choose”, regarding Chris and Rachel BUT REALLY I THINK SHE’S TALKING ABOUT JENNIFER. There are so many levels within levels going on here. Anyway, then Nicole starts gossiping about Chris and Rachel and Rachel’s like right there in the background oh it’s so embarrassing oh I can barely watch etc
OK, so crazy Scotty is stalking Tracey and her brother. Tracey asks her brother to walk off so she can stand in the middle of a clearing and let crazy Scotty attack her, I mean, if he’s following her. Which he is. Also, they’re pulling this bullshit again:
Imposters are always readily identifiable by their white contact lenses, after all.
Anyway, then crazy Scotty comes barrelling out of the bushes, only to get totally owned by Tracey’s brother:
phwoar TVNZ on demand has the best video quality
Tracey breaks through to crazy Scotty briefly! Then her asshole brother acts like a jerk at him, and like a skittish cat, crazy Scotty gets a fright and runs back into the bushes from whence he came.
Oh honestly, this is such utter bullshit. What on earth is Rachel doing back at work? Why is Sophie still her PA? I mean, shouldn’t they both be on some kind of sick or stress leave? And shouldn’t they just not work together, since Sophie’s acting like such a dick all the time? guhh
Chris describes the DHB as “waving their willies”. What an odd turn of phrase. Anyway, they’re setting up a very exciting administration storyline about Rachel running the hospital, and I, for one, am thrilled.
God there’s a lot of hugging going on in this episode.
Then we get another incredibly awkward Maia/Jennifer locker room scene, in which Maia’s all dolled up and Jennifer helps her with her dress. Honestly, this “sexual tension” storyline is playing out pretty much exactly like a pornography film. Right now, in some filthy bedroom somewhere in New Zealand, a truly despicable human being is writing Shortland Street lesbian fan fiction. I am sure of it.
Phoenix is reading a book at home when who should enter but crazy Scotty! He really incognito-like makes a phone call while talking to crazy Scotty, who somehow doesn’t hear that ridiculous and incredibly loud BOOP BOOP BOOP sound everyone’s phone makes on the show, but whatever. It works for now. I hope he’s calling the police or TK?
OH WHAT THE HELL it turns out Phoenix wasn’t calling the police or TK. He wasn’t even making a stealth phone call. He was sending Chris a text message. Why does nobody act like regular people on this show? It’s just very lucky that Chris was hanging out with the Tracey crew when he got the text, right?
Nicole has to leave the hot date Maia planned for the two of them for a family emergency, but as she’s walking out she meets Jennifer, who very conventiently is walking in to the only bar in town. Because Maia’s idea of a hot date location and Jennifer’s top spot for an after-work booze-up is the exact same place, clearly. So, now Maia’s hot date is with Jennifer. You actually based this storyline on a porn movie, didn’t you, writers? There’s even the correct music playing in the background of the bar scene.
Harry eats an iceblock and watches crazy Scotty eat:
Crazy Scotty wigs out a bit, then Chris comes in and talks to him in the same way you’d talk to a three year old. Crazy Scotty is responding very well to this kind of weird condescension, but then like five other people bust in to take him off to the funny farm. Crazy Scotty starts yelling about impostors again, and everyone’s really a bit sick of it, so TK tackles him in the most hilarious manner imaginable:
What’s that guy in the beige pants doing in the background there? Also, that’s twice crazy Scotty’s been tackled this episode. Poor guy
Then Scotty rolls around on the floor for a while, shrieking about impostors and acting the hardest he’s ever acted before, and honestly it’s pretty hilarous. Then the police stick him with a sedative Oh, then the episode ends.