You know what? The theme music to County Calendar is incredible.
Also, I am real sorry. I’m totally not “on my game” tonight. Though, I mean, I’m writing about Shortland Street on the internet. I should probably get points for trying. Or not. I don’t know.
Anyway. LAST TIME on Shortland Street, Brodie was like “if I miss a repayment I lose the bar”, then Bella used the awesome power of bubbles to make him fall down some stairs and hurt himself so bad he can’t work
Tonight’s episode opens with Harry cruelly playing videogames while Phoenix does the dishes. I’m happy to see Rachel takes the same approach to step-parenting as she does to hospital managment: be a cold-hearted bitch about everything
though I mean, to be fair, Harry is a massive prick too. I don’t normally hate on 10-year-olds, but I have absolutely no patience for that little asshole
Over at TK’s house, Shavaughn from What Now is entertaining herself (and nobody else) by putting various hats on a mannequin’s head. Then she makes TK take a photo of herself kissing said plastic head. Then a phone rings, leading the head to fall into a box of stuff TK plans on selling in a jumble sale. I got more depressed with every word of that last sentence.
Is Brodie in blackface or something?
He helpfully reminds us that if he doesn’t work he won’t get paid, and therefore will lose his bar. Because, as we all know, things like “ACC” or “sick pay” are fabulous illusions, not actual things that really exist.
Uh, wasn’t Rachel really intent on Evan being like, executed or something for burning down that shithole flat she owned? Now he comes over to her house and she’s all “oh hey how bout you go to the park babe”. Meanwhile, Harry’s still a little jerk. It was a total dick move of Chris, by the way, to leave Rachel with his children, knowing full well what pricks they are
Excruciating scene with TK and Ula talking about mannequin head, somehow resulting in dead-eyed Jill stealing it. Deep sigh.
Brodie wants to discharge himself from hospital so he can go back to work in the bar, Vasa’s like:
That little jerk Harry, rather than trimming hedges (which seems like a bizarre job for a 10-year-old to do) has gone to play soccer with Evan and Phoenix. But because he’s useless at everything he does, he winds up smashing a window. Rachel gets angry at him. This scene is like really awkward and it’s kind of haunting
oh man I love Vasa, she’s probably my second favourite character on this show after Bella.
whole bunch of mannequin head-related scenes in a row, also Brodie’s snuck out of hospital. I mean, when everyone who works at the hospital knows you because you run the only bar in town, it’s probably not a good idea to unlawfully discharge yourself.
In mannequin news, Jill has taken the mannequin head and dressed it up to look like Mark Twain. She then uses it in the most obnoxious way imaginable to help Hunter study, or something:
Shavaughn from What Now pops in is like “hands off my mannequin head” guhhhhhh
uh my computer froze again, another couple of minutes lost. Probably it was about either mannequin heads or disruptive 10-year-olds, so I doubt we’ve missed much
Oh good, at a delightful picnic lunch, Shavaughn from What Now plays this sweet trick on TK and it’s revealed the mannequin head has been reunited with its rightful owners. New Zealand can sleep well tonight!
Then they do this kind of truly revolting kiss:
Brodie’s hopped up on opiates and delivering some oddly surreal service to Callum at the bar. Bored of that, he interrupts Murray and Wendy’s romantic sitting down time by vomiting next to them:
So inconsiderate. He could have vomited anywhere he liked, but right next to Wendy? Dick move, Brodie.
Phoenix and Evan are strolling through their well-to-do suburb when they come across Harry, who’s inexplicably just chillin’ in Rachel’s car, listening to some hilariously bad fake rap music. Harry’s real steamed about Rachel being mean to him, but honestly he’s been nothing but a jerk himself
Jesus, I hate that little scumbag.
In a desperate to prove how mature he is (really), Harry decides to take Phoenix and Evan for a drive in Rachel’s car, hopefully setting us up for maybe a death or at least a real sweet explosion. Man, I’m pumped. Anything to get me out of brutally banal doledrum that is this episode.
But just as things get sweet, we get cut to this inexplicably lengthy scene of Rachel talking to an unnamed person (Chris?) on the phone about the hot storylines of the day. It’s kind of like the writers were like “well yeah, we just wasted half an hour of your time with some bullshit about a mannequin head and a 10-year-old, but we actually have other plots going on”. Except it’s really boring and oddly out of place, and getting in the way of valuable car-crash time.
And Jesus, what a god damned anticlimax that was. No deaths. Probably no damage. Harry revs the car for like 10 seconds, then reverses it into another car about about 15kmh. Rachel’s angry. End.
Christ. Feeling real nihilistic after watching tonight’s episode. What’s the point of anything? I have no idea why I bother.